Post Dark Knight Era Part Duex

G. I. Joe

Now this was a cartoon that I hated growing up. I could sit here and call it G. I. Blow or even make it as if the movie was speaking itself and call it, Gee, I Blow. But I won’t. I’m going to be much more mature about this and from here on out call it Pee I Blow. Do you see what I did there?

I can’t see there being many, if any, redeeming qualities in this movie. I don’t even know the character’s names. I guess there is one named Joe and I guess he fights that dude who wears a handkerchief with eye holes over his face. I hope Pee I himself knows how to do magic and make an audience appear in the seats.

Wolfman

I loved the original Wolfman. With Lon Chaney Jr. I even loved the Wolfman’s acting in Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. (Very Wolfman-ish) So when I heard that this film was being made I was super-duper excited. Benicio Del Toro. Great casting. Then I saw the trailer. Wow. This looks fucking amazing-

-ly shitty. The promotional pics are even worse. Looks like some dude in a costume from Halloween Adventure. (That’s Halloween Adventure! Clements Bridge Road, Deptford, NJ 856-848-2935. Store hours are Monday through Saturday 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. and Sunday 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.!) They should have just had Benicio not shave.

Spiderman 4 and 5

Two times the films. Two times the excitement. Two times the bullshit. Raimi and Tobey are both signed on again. And if these turn out to be anything like Spiderman 3 was, I think Stan Lee should burn Sony Studios to the ground. Watch 3 again if you don’t believe me. When Parker is “groovin’” down the street to buy a new outfit, whoever wrote that bit should be crucified. The only good thing about that movie was when they finally let James Franco stop acting like a robot and have a few good lines. Anyway, these are being shot back to back to make it look like 35 year old Tobey can still play 21 year old Parker. I hope Sandman comes back so we can all partake in more terrible facial expressions from Thomas Hayden Church. Is it just me or does he always look like he’s passing a kidney stone?

So that’s Part two. Coming up is Part 3 and we’ll be talking about Ghostbusters 3, Toy Story 3, Dune 3, Clerks 3, National Treasure 3, Rocky Horror Picture Show 3, and finally Titanic 3: Billy Zane’s Revenge.

Tomorrow I will have my review up of Bangkok Dangerous. Not that anyone cares.