Everything you need to know about the “Halloween” franchise

Well kids its time for the typical movie review that coincides with a holiday. So unless you are retarded like Jim Baker you know what holiday it is. Halloween is my favorite holiday next to Garbage Day. I love watching horror movies all day and mocking them for the pieces of shit they are. But there is one horror franchise I hold close to my heart. The “Halloween” series.  I love Michael Myers. I root for him because I love him that much. But back to why Halloween is the best.  When John Carpenter made the original back in ‘78 it changed the face of the horror genre because it was so different. You know why it was so different?  Because it was actually fucking scary and it had an actual fucking plot!  That was unheard of in an era of shitty zombie movies and porn like scary flicks. Now some of the acting wasn’t the best but it was an independent film. Its not like they could of got Bale to star in it. Though that would have been fucking BA. They had an unknown cast with the exception of one Donald Pleasence. Man, he fucking owned as Dr. Loomis. Its the perfect horror movie. Suspense, drama, tits, dog slaughter, and the stereotypical cliffhanger ending. So Michael gets shot by Loomis and when they got look at his corpse. Surprise!  He’s gone which sets up the inevitable sequel……

Halloween II

Not bad for a sequel. Actually I think it might be a slight more scary then the first one.  It starts right where Halloween ended but it had one problem. Visually it looked like it was 4 years later, because it was filmed 4 years later. Jamie Lee is wearing a god awful wig almost as bad as the one she donned in Trading Places. Anyway, Michael escapes and a city wide manhunt is on. Doc Loomis yells a lot, Jamie Lee goes to a hospital and does a strip tease for her husband but doesn’t know its her husband and Tom Arnold wants to kill her. Wait that doesn’t seem….fuck it. Michael is supposedly burnt alive……

Halloween 3

MICHAEL MYERS ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE. DUMB AS FUCK

Halloween 4

Michael isn’t dead. He was in coma. Apparently people thought it smart to keep the guy who slaughtered a whole town alive. I enjoyed this film because in a decade where horror movies were as cheesy as Frank TV this one stood out. Its not full of unnecassary violence and sex. It’s just scary and awesome

Halloween 5

Awful
Like really bad
Nothing was redeeming about this film

Halloween 6

The Curse of Michael Myers
This is my favorite horror movie of all time. Most Halloween fans hate it because it decided to be different and explain Michael’s rage. God forbid. In this film, its explained that in between his holiday horror fests Michael is taken care of by the people who run Smithsgrove Sanitarium. Their like some fucking cult group who are like the druids and their symbol is a thorn. Ok, its not stupid as it sounds because they don’t really go into too much depth with it. Oh, fucking Paul Rudd is in it and he’s the shit. Its really suspenseful. The Myers mask is really really creepy and he seems more pissed off then ever
Halloween H20

Jamie Lee Curtis returns to do her best to ruin this series and she almost does it
Halloween Ressurection

Jamie Lee Curtis ruins the series with some help from Busta Rhymes. Yuck.
That was it for the franchise I adored my entire life. There’s no going back after Busta Rhymes survives a Halloween movie.  So in late 2006, Dimension films announced that Rob Zombie would helm a reimagining of Halloween…

Halloween: The Devils Reject’s

I love Rob Zombie.  I loved The Devil Reject’s and I thought House of a Thousand Corpses was ok.  To me he seemed perfect to give some life in this franchise,  I was kind of wrong.  Zombie kept saying he was not remaking it he was retelling it.  Thats the same fucking thing!  I loved the cast, i loved the look of the film, but I had one major problem with the movie.  In the original, Michael just kills his sister and there is no explanation why.  He stabbed her and went out front and sat on the curb wating for his parents.  This time around we see more of his childhood which is fine but Rob Zombie fucked up.  In my opinion the most absolute scariest thing he could have done was make his childhood picture perfect.  He made it the opposite.  His stepfather was the typical abusive asshole.  His mom was a stripper doing her best to make a better life for her family.  His sister was a whore and you feel no remosre when she meets her end.  I would have made is family like the fucking Brady Bunch. Even Michael would be all smiles, untill he grabbed the knife and cemented his name.  But other then that I think Zombie did alright.  He was true to the original but not too much.  He made a Rob Zombie Halloween which he said he was gonna do. He;s not doing a sequel which to me is a good thing because I dont think his heart would’ve been in it.

So that’s it assholes.  Everything you need to know about the Halloween franchise.  GO RAYS!