WEEKEND PREVIEW! THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN!

OMGZZZ!!! ITS THE RETURN OF THE WEEKND PRVIWZZZ!!!!!!1111

Opening this weekend is Friday the 13th. Because the date is FRIDAY THE 13TH! Clever marketing, studio big wigs. You guys are smart.

While that film looks good, the original was boring as shit. Like watching fucking paint dry man. So I’m sure some people will like it. They’ll take their girlfriends and if the movie sucks they can try for an HJ in the theater, but I’m going to pass on this remake. I’ll wait for the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Oh wait….

Also playing, which looks to be much more fun to be had than Jason BORE-hees ( get it! LOLZ ) is Confessions of a Shopaholic. This film is one that everyone can enjoy, mind you, you might not be able to go for the aforementioned HJ like in the previous film, but you will actually enjoy this film. Its about this girl who maxes out all of her credit cards and then has to make a real living for herself and its funny because she didn’t know how to before! It stars Isla Fisher, you know the crazy girl from Wedding Crashers, and, umm, that other movie she was in, umm….

Moving Along. The International steamrolls into theaters this weekend also.  Starring Clive Owen and the eternally hott Naomi Watts.

Damn Girl. Shes like 40. Still smoking hot. Fuck. Who doesn’t want to hit that? I mean even King Kong wanted to tap that ass. And a 100 foot gorilla is never wrong.

So those are the top three.

I personally will be attending a screening of Under the Sea 3D. An Imax 3D adventure that takes you to Earth’s most exotic undersea locations, face to face with the stunning creatures of the sea. It looks badass.

You could go see Two Lovers if you’re a pussy or if you just want to see the trainwreck that now is Joaquin Phoenix. If its an act or not I don’t care, what I do know is he is going to end up like his brother with blood coming out of his mouth.

What?

I was fucking talking about when River played Young Indiana Jones in Last Crusade. When he cracks the whip and cuts himself. You guys thought I was talking about him being dead and OD’ing?

You guys are fucking sick bastards.

WEEKEND PREVIEW! October 3, 2008

To start off you can just scroll to the bottom and totally peep the girl from The Princess Diary, but I know you really just want to read what is in theaters this weekend.

An American Carol

OMG! Its Chris Farley in a final movie! Wait… You’re telling me its his brother and he isn’t playing Chris Farley or falling into a table? Not interested.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

A movie about a fucking dog. Not named Lassie? Not interested.

Flash of Genius

Greg Kinnear. Hes taking it to the man and showing the automobile industry that he can wear glasses and be that guy who is down on his luck but in the end he comes out and shows us that he is playing the same role in every film he appears in. If you want to see this film, I advise you go see The Matador, Godsend, Little Miss Sunshine, Feast of Love, Nurse Betty, Baby Mama, You’ve Got Mail, or As Good As It Gets.

Blindness

This film doesn’t look that good, personally, but Mark Ruffalo is in it. Now forget 13 Going on 30. Fuck that movie. Go out and buy Zodiac. Ruffalo shits gold in that film. Forget Just Like Heaven. That film is a huge piece of shit. Go out and buy In the Cut. Not only in that film do you see Meg Ryans tits and bush, but you see some quality Ruffalo dick. Write it down. In. The. Cut.

So back to Blindness. Doesn’t look good, but Ruffalo has been acting his balls off lately so go see it just for him. If I weren’t a dude I would throw down some Ruffalo man gravy in a heart beat.

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

I guarantee that this film will win the weekend box office because every dude will take his girlfriend and it’s a sweet movie that works for both young men and women, and at the end of the night, if you can roll that jimmy cap on right, you just might get to feel the inside of a vagina!

But the film I really want to see, to tie everything together, is Rachel Getting Married starring Tits McGee herself, Anne “I-can’t-stop-whipping-my-tits-out” Hathaway. And I’m not complaining, BELIEVE YOU ME! When I first watched Brokeback I said to myself, “Why would Gyllenhall want to bone Ledger (I would too) and not Hathaway? Those titties are luscious! MMMMMM-MMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ok, I didn’t really say that. I was too busy rewinding and jackin it, but Apples and Oranges, right?

So go see that, Rachel Titting Married, and maybe you’ll see some tits, because we all know your girlfriend didn’t put out after seeing Nick and Norah.

Preview of the Weekend (a day early bitches!)

Finally the box office gives us some decent shit to glue our eyeballs to. This weekend marks the return of good films to the screen. Lets get started!

Eagle Eye (Cherry)

(Remember that band? Yeah man those were the days)

Shia is back bitches! LaBeouf returns with a new thriller, Eagle Eye, where he gets these phone calls from a mysterious woman who tells him to do things and tells him things before they happen and the government thinks he is a terrorist and he grew out a mustache so he looks older and more sophisticated and its got Slingblade in it and Rosario Dawson.

What I would have done to make this film better: Make the setting one location. Not a whole punch of different ones, just one place the entire film. And I would have cast Colin Farrell and Keifer Sutherland and called it Phonebooth.

Choke

I know what you’re thinking, but it isn’t a porn. I’m gonna get all serious now cause I actually want to see this film. It stars Sam Rockwell who is very underrated. He blew my mind with his talents in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. He plays a man who can’t afford to keep his mother in a retirement home so he pretends like he is choking (Hey that’s where the title comes from!) in restaurants, only to have someone save him and then send him birthday, Christmas, and choking anniversary cards, with moneys inside.

He also is a sex addict. He goes to meetings to get help, but only then has sex with the women at the meetings. I have read the book and it is a tearjerker. From start to finish I was enthralled in the humanistic quality of a man who gets two anal balls stuck in his ass for weeks only too get sick and eventually shit them out in his pants. I’ll have my full review on this film hopefully by Sunday.

Miracle at St. Anna

I will never ever see this film. Never. Ever. Spike Lee has been calling his movies “A Spike Lee joint” for too long now. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he think he is better than everyone else. Remember when this dude sued Spike TV for rights to the name? Who does that? And everyone who sees these films is just adding to his ego.

A note to Spike Lee: Just say “a film by Spike Lee”. I would even take “Spike Lee presents”. But calling your film a “joint” is ridonkulous. If you are going to continue to call your films a “joint” Spike Lee, you will continue to not have my business. So There.

Nights in Rodanthe

Richard Gere (OLD) + Diane Lane (OLD) x a North Carolina Inn = OLD PEOPLE SEX.

So, to paraphrase, COUNT ME IN.

So this weekend doesn’t look too bad. With Choke and Spread Eagle Eye, it looks like a promising weekend for the box office.

My predicted winner: Fireproof a romantic drama starring Mike Seaver Kirk Cameron as a firefighter trying to save his marriage. From Growing Pains to Career Pains, and still not dead. Good for you Mike Seaver Kirk Cameron. Good for you.

Weekend Preview Of Horrible Fucking Movies

Horrible.  Once again The Box Office is giving us a bunch of shit to go see.  So don’t go see anything this weekend.  But for giggles and shit stains let us see what is coming out this week

Lake view Terrace

Another Sam Jackson movie where he is very loud and annoying.  Hang it up Cochise.  Or at least expand your acting ability.  I swear to god if I have to suffer through another “Mother Fucka” from this hack I’m gonna stop jagging to pics of Jon Benet and cut my cockles off.  In this fucktard of a movie,  Sam and some unknown white guy hoping for his big break are neighbors in a culdesac.  White guy moves in and befriends Sam.  Eventually Sam does the normal creepy and annoying neighbor stuff and shit goes down.  They fight and Sam Jackson dies.  Two thumbs up….your mother’s rotten cunt.

Appaloosa

I love Vigo Mortensen and Ed Harris.  They kicked ass in A History of Violence. When I heard these two were starring in a western, I was like I’m all in .  Then I saw the trailer.  This does not look good.  It could be reaaaaaaallllllllyyy bad.  Like The Phantom bad.  But it could surprise me, but I doubt it.  Nope

My Bestfriend’s Girl

This actually looks decent.  Despite having a horrible leading man in Dane ”I used to be funny but now I just repeat the same old bits just so I can get a cheap pop from the crowd.  And in turn I look like a god” Cook, the rest of the cast is solid.  I love Kate Hudson, just as long as she’s not teamed up with Matthew McRidiculousthisguystillgetswork.  Jason Biggs is straight out of the Al Brooks mold. He’s uncomfortable but yet very funny.  The R-rated trailer makes this film look fucking amazing.  Go see it, or not, I could careless.

Well that’s all I feel like doing

fuck off

Weekend Preview!!!!!

The box office is weak sauce this time of year. Prime example this weekend

Righteous Kill

Robert DeNiro. Al Pacino. Two of the greatest actors of all time.  In this film, they play cops going after a serial killer.  Now if this was made 20 years ago it would’ve been awesome. These two hacks need to give it up. Pacino hasn’t put out a good performance since Sea Of Love.  It was in that movie Al turned into a yelling, over the top cunt rag.  It worsened as the years went by.  If you notice he wears the same quarter lenght leather jacket in every movie.  What happened to Michael Corleone?  He was so soft spoken and smooth and commanded your attention without having to yell.  I recently watched Devil’s Advocate….love it…but he sucked. He yelled for no reason. He sucks so much. It pisses me off.  Bobby DeNiro is fat and a mockery of himself. He has become every awful imitation that people do of him. He’s just like Walken.  Back to this stupid movie.  I was listening to The Opie and Anthony show today and Jim Norton attended the premiere. He said there was no ovation at the end.  That should say something.  Its fucking awesome….no its horrible. Al Pacino dies at the end

Burn After Reading

Perhaps the only good film coming out for awhile.  The Coen Brothers return with their first release after No Country for Old Men.  It kind of looks like in the mold of Fargo, which is a classic of course.  Im not even sure if the plot is neccassary for it.  The cast is kickass so it could be a shit plot and Id go see it.  But for review sake Ill give it to you.  Some CIA dude (John Malkovich) loses some top secret files and two gym employees find them (Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand) and chaos insues.  Im sure the Coen’s have some sick twist and turns and someone gets thrown into a woodchipper. Go see this flick

Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys

Now I dont hate black people, but I dont get Tyler Perry.  He’s not funny.  His movies are not funny.  Im white so its understood that I dont appreciate black humor, but even Rodney King wouldn’t laugh at this shit. Every week Perry puts out a new movie.  Who finances this garbage? The NAACP? Or is it Night at the Apollo?  If you see this you might as well hang yourself

Towelhead

This movie is causing a lot of controversy. And people are upset that it is causing controversy…uhh..its a movie called Towelhead..Im even a little pissed and I dont like anybody. All I know is that Aaron Eckhart is in it so im all in

Well thats it.  You could go see one of these movies or you could go see The Dark Knight again…do that instead

Preview for the Weekend.

Well, I’m not going to beat around the bush. There is a big pile of horse shit opening this weekend. Leading the charge is Bangkok Dangerous which, lets be honest here, is not a real movie. Any film that is not submitted to critics to be watched for a review means that even the studio thinks its a piece of shit.

Thats what this film did. No critics were allowed to see it before hand. Hardly any marketing. Nic Cage in a terrible hair piece again. I would rather watch Meet Dave while stabbing my eyes out with a rusty metal dildo.

Besides Bangkok, I have never even heard of any of the other films. There is a film that seems remotely interesting entitled, Ping Pong Playa which Yahoo Movies summarizes as “A trash-talkin’ suburban slacker discovers his true gift as a ping pong player to defend his family’s honor at a local tournament.”  

ALSO, he’s Asian. Looks like a winner.

Theres also this hunk of junk called A Secret where some kid finds out that his family did something in Germany during the Holocaust BLAH BLAH BLAH. You know what should have stayed A Secret? I’ll let you fill in the blank.

Everybody Wants to Be Italian also opens this weekend. My answer to that: No. No we don’t.

Finally there is Mister Foe. Which sounds pretty B.A. This kid totally wants to bang his step mom. Until he thinks, get ready for it, SHE KILLED HIS MOTHER! So right when shes about to let him slide it in, he leaves. And then finds some girl who looks just like his mom and gets obsessed with her. My prediction: He’ll probably get ready to put it in her too but then realize he loves the cock.

So there you have it. Its a real Shitfest this weekend. Hopefully on Monday I will have a review of Bangkok Dangerous. Anthony from work will be going to see it and I’ll ask him how shitty it was. Then I’ll post what he had to say.

I’ll leave you with this. Someone asked me who was in Bangkok Dangerous when I had asked Anthony if he was going to see it, and I said Nic Cage. Their response? “Oh. That movie looks so fuckin’ gay.”