Knowing - best movie ever made

So I saw Knowing the other night.  Let me start by saying that this movie was fucking good.  That is a lie.  It was the worst movie I have ever seen.  Now I what you’re thinking.  Why would Jeromy go see this film?  It stars Nic Cage and he hasn’t made a decent movie in years (National Treasure 1 and 2 do not count because they would’ve been good with or without him).  Well to answer those questions, I was bored and had a free movie pass.  So it starts with some little girl writing numbers on a piece of paper.  Random fucking numbers…or are they!!!!  So this paper is put in a time capsule for some dumb school thing and is opened fifty years later by none other then Nic Cage’s son!  Mr. Cage quickly realizes that these numbers mean something.  Since he is a genius he notices that most of these numbers are dates of tragic events in the past fifty years.  it goes in this order, date and then the death toll.  But there are other numbers that don’t match up.  Once again because hes a genius he figures out those numbers are locations, like latitude and longitude.  He notices this right before hes witness to a horrific plane crash in which Cage tries to save everyone.  Trust me its fucking epic. So Nic decides to try and stop the remaining events from taking place.  Meanwhile his son is being followed by some creepy blonde dudes in suits that don’t talk.  I’m gonna skip to the ending because that’s when it gets really good.  Nic finds out that the world is ending and there is nothing he can do.  His son and some little girl were kidnapped by those blonde dudes and Cage tracks them down in the woods somewhere.  Nicholas threatens the guys but his son tells him its ok dad they are here to save us.  And Cage agrees and starts to follow the guys but his son informs him where they are going Cage can’t go.  At this point I started laughing because I knew excatly where they were going.  Nic Cage looks up and a fucking space ship appears and the dudes turn into aliens and this kids float up to the ship and apparently are taken to another planet to creat life.  The world ends and everyone dies.

He’s Just Not that Into You

So yeah,

I saw it.

Whats up now?

It was pretty good. I mean, not great, but it kept me interested.

Justin Long was his witty self, being the guy who is “just not into” Ginnifer Goodwin, who was pretty cute while being annoying. Which is hard to do. There are only some girls who can pull it off and Tila Tequila: You are not one of them! So knock it off bitch.

It was enjoyable and a good Valentines Day movie, which was a month ago, but I fell into a world of narcotics for a full month and have not seen a computer for 3 and a half weeks. I am not sorry it was the best month of my life. Thanks again Mikey Rourke!

The only bad thing about this film was, and maybe you have guessed it already: NOT ENOUGH AFFLECK!

I mean I fuckin paid 20 dollars to get in the door and the dude was so underused. And can anyone really love Jennifer Aniston? But he made you think someone could, which just shows you that Affleck is the most underrated actor Hollywood.

Scarlett Johanssons tits almost came out to play again, but, like every movie I see with them in it, alas, they did not. They stayed locked away in Ryan Reynolds’s’ssss’s;ss over the shoulder boulder holders.

And congratulations to me for being the first person to use the phrase “over the shoulder boulder holder” since 1976.

Growth on my balls

Yea I have an infection on my balls and I’ve been in bed for almost two weeks.  So I have had a lot of time to watch movies.  I’m gonna give you a brief summary of what I’ve watched and what I’ve thought of these films

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

So Brad Pitt is born old and gets younger as he gets older.  What a pointless mind rape.  Nothing happens in this movie.  It was like an abc family version of Forrest Gump. It wasn’t entirely bad, just not that good.

Valkyrie

Tom Cruise as a Nazi who tries to kill Hitler and thankfully fails.  Decent flick

Gran Torino

Clint Eastwood plays and old racist veteran who spews out hilarious racial slurs and makes us all wish for the good ole days. BEST MOVIE EVER.  OK, it wasn’t that good but as a fellow racist veteran I totally related.

The Wrestler

I grew up watching wrestling and was basically obsessed with it for 10 years.  I know the ins and outs of the business and this movie just nails it.  Mickey Rourke plays Randy the Ram, a beaten down warrior of the ring.  The film shows his struggle dealing with life after the glory.  Rourke gives the best performance of the year (besides Heath).  Rourke has to win best actor this year.  If not I’m mouth fucking the shit out of Glen Close!

That’s it…I’m gonna go drain my balls

Seven Pounds. Really good?

The question mark draws you in. Now you have to read the review, and ask yourself, “Was it really good?”

Let me answer you. In one word.

Yes.

Will Smith drew me in with an unbelievable performance. From start to finish, the way he changed gears blew me away. Smith plays a character that draws upon emotions and in a few scenes he moves from angry to sad in the blink of an eye. Moving from first to fifth is hard to do. There aren’t many actors who can, unless you are Will Smith. Or Ben Affleck.

(Or Bale, but that was a given. From here on out, Christian Bale is the best actor ever and it is just an unspoken agreement. Every other role that he does not play the main character is only because he was too busy playing some other badass role. )

Rosario Dawson takes a very well written character and portrays it beautifully. This girl needs to get more props because she has some real fucking talent. And besides dudes jaggin it to her in Alexander she doesn’t get the attention she deserves.

In this film Will Smith plays an IRS agent who helps seven strangers in seven different ways. Haunted by his mysterious past, Will wants to make up for his mistakes and help seven other people.

There has only been one movie I was choked up over, about to cry, and that film was Miracle. Until I saw Seven Pounds.

Seven Pounds had me nearly in tears at the end of the film. Will Smith makes you believe everything that his character went through, and even though it is fiction, it is extremely moving what he does in the end.

Look, I don’t cry at movies. I just dont. But this film had me fighting them back.

And thats no joke.

3.5 Christmases #21

I was going to call it Bore Christmases because it’s boring but I thought some people might think that I was talking about the animal, the boar. So I decided to call it 3 and a half. Sorry Vince Vaughn.

Four Christmases is a new release and it made its way onto the list, frankly because we ran out of movies. It was out of necessity that I saw this film and here is the review.

At first I was psyched. Dude I finally get to watch Vince VAUGHN AGAIN! He’s so witty and clever and his one liners are great. So I was pretty stoked. I told everyone for months that I was going to go see Fred Claus Four Christmases.

The film starts very strong. I kind of chuckled my way through the first ten minutes, but not a real solid laugh. And thats how the entire film continues to stay. I was pretty upset. Vince Vaughn was relied upon heavily in this film, and it just turned out like he was trying too hard to save a sinking ship. I know the writers didn’t have shit, and if Vince wasn’t in this movie it would not be watchable. Here’s the summary:

Vince and Reese Witherspoon never go home for Christmas and they always lie to their families. In fact Vince says, “You can’t spell families without lies.” I guess that was supposed to be funny or something. So Vince and Legally Blonde end up having to go spend Christmas with their both divorced parents, which is far-fetched by the way, and HILARITY ENSUES!!!!!!!

Not Really.

The best scene in the whole film is when they have to spend Christmas at Reeses’ mothers house and they both have to dress up as Joseph and Mary at her church. Vaughn is pretty funny as he overacts to play Joseph.

Besides that and Jon Favreau, that was the only good parts about this film.

So ho ho, to wrap it up, Four Pissmases ? Not great, but it made the list. Wait for the dvd or don’t waste an hour and a half of your life like I did.

Review - Quantum of Solace

The Poot crew rolled out of their caves Friday evening and all went to see the new 007 flick, Quantum of Solace

This film is the first official sequel to a Bond movie in the entire franchise. Each movie coming before had the same main character but never a continuing storyline. This is what makes Quantum so appealing.

Casino Royale was such a strong film story wise, and it took Bond to a different level. That is, with less action. I personally loved Royale as it elevated the Bond character to a much more sophisticated being. This isn’t your dad’s James Bond anymore kiddies. This dude gets messy. He gets his ass beat, he ruffles his hair, he makes mistakes. Connery never did that. You would never see Roger Moore taking a knotted rope to the ball bag. No sir.

Believe you me, Daniel Craig is the best Bond, hands down, for those reasons. He is different to those other actors because in Royale he was learning to become Bond and in Quantum of Solace he writes the rule book.

The film opens where the last film left off. Bond shot Mr. White and we learn that he throws him in the trunk and White’s handlers are none too pleased about that and a high speed, machine gun chase ensues.

The execs over at MGM must have sat down before pre-production and said “Look. The last films action was based around a card game. A fucking card game. This is James Bond boys and girls. We need more action. WE NEED A CAR CHASE TO KICK OFF THE FILM! WE NEED A BOAT CHASE! WE NEED A PLANE SCENE WHERE A FIGHTER PLANE SHOOTS AT BONDS PLANE, WHICH WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE A PLANE CHASE! WE NEED NOT ONE, BUT TWO BOND GIRLS! And the body count needs to be HIGHER!” The other execs all cried unanimously “FUCK YES!” And Quantum of Solace was born.

The MI6 in this film stumbles upon a secret organization known as Quantum and it is Bonds job to figure out who is in it and who is running it. He does this in the midst of all the aforementioned chase scenes. He stops for a hot minute to bone a red headed chick, and the new Bond girl is a strong female lead (not like Halle Berry, which was just fucking ridiculous ) The only thing that sucks is the new Bond girl Olga Kurylenko, while strong and all, doesn’t take a ride on Bond’s 007. She is a model and an actress. She has posed nude before, ( Just type her name into Google Image search, you’ll find it, you perv ) but nothing at all intimate from her.

That was the only thing that was shitty about this film. Regardless of the terrible theme song, which, I think Jack White must have been trashed while composing, and the kind of ridiculous plane scene, this was my favorite Bond film from recent memory.

Lots of action, including Bond killing one dude and then wearing his jacket throughout most of the film. Who does that? Thats like the ultimate fuck you. You bought this jacket? Well now your dead and I’m stealing it. Not only stealing it, but I am going to wear it and kill more people in it. And you liked to wear it buttoned up? Well I’m wearing it open. Oh, sick burn.

A great story, branching off from Casino Royale, it ties up some loose ends, brings back some old characters, but leaves you wanting more. It is the shortest film in the Bond franchise at only an hour and a half, but it is extremely strong. It sets up for what could be an amazing third act, which is the direction I hope they take.

Go see it if you haven’t already. The film doesn’t really give you a chance to breathe. It is non stop from start to finish.

Worth the price of admission? Fuck Yeah.

Zack and Miri DUELING REVIEWS!

So here it is boys and girls, both of our reviews for Zack and Miri Make a Porno. First up is Jeromys and then Brians.

Written totally seperate from each other. So if they’re similar it just goes to show that we’re gay. Here it is, HOT OFF THE PRESSES!

Review numero uno by Jerome

Once again Kevin Smith got me.  He made a movie with dick and fart jokes but yet still made me fall in love with every character.  Ive seen every Smith film and I enjoy all of them.  I thought he made his masterpiece with Clerks II, but I was wrong. Smith went back to the well for Clerks II and that’s not a bad thing at all. His film prior to that, Jersey Girl was panned because he stepped out his world he created and tried something new. Or maybe it was panned because it fucking sucked.  No, it was good. But back to Z and M.  He took the humor from Clerks II and spliced it with the heart of Jersey Girl. In this dick and fuck fest Smith once again left his world, but like a great filmmaker he didnt leave the feel of it behind.  Right from the start you know its a Kevin Smith film. There’s a musical montage ending with a great burning ball hair joke. What was very important to this movie was that the audience had to believe that Zack and Miri were best friends, that they had chemistry. Smith wastes no time establishing that. Seth Rogan plays Zack and Elizabeth Banks plays Miri. Rogan just fucking owns every scene hes in all his films. He’s just a naturally funny guy and fits right into the Kevin Smith mold of a leading man.  Banks is so beautiful and is really funny.  That’s hard to pull off because women aren’t funny.  Craig Robinson plays Zack’s best friend and if Rogan wasn’t so money Robinson would’ve stolen every scene.  And Im not saying that because he’s black.  Jason Mewes PLAYS A DIFFERENT CHARACTER!!!  And he was really really good.  I’ll never look at him the same way ever again.  Traci Lords plays a chick who blows bubbles out of her old cunt.  Katie Morgan, an actual porn star, wasn’t half bad. She didn’t annoy me as much as I thought she going to.  Jeff Andersen, another Smith main stay, was great but under used in my opinion.  I think Andersen and Rogan could be magic for Smith if he chooses to go down that path.

Kevin Smith has a way of telling a beautiful and believable love story like no one else can.  He takes this tale of two people falling in love and wraps it in a cockcoon of anal sex but yet somehow I’m still left feeling like I’ve watched a warm heart felt film…even if Jeff Andersen is shit on by Katie Morgan.  I truely believe this is Kevin Smith’s best film.  I hope he works with Rogan again because they have something there.  Smith achieved something with Rogan that Judd Apatow could not. He made you believe Seth Rogan was in love with Elizabeth Banks, like real, pure love. That’s what Kevin Smith does best, He makes it all seem so fucking real.  Snoogins.

Review numero dos by Bri Guy

From Chasing Amy, where Holden is devastated to learn as to how many partners Alyssa has fucked, to Zack and Miri Make a Porno, where it is obvious he doesn’t care who is fucking who; Kevin Smith has come into his own. In Amy, for those who haven’t seen it, Holden McNeil cannot overcome the past of Alyssa Jones, played by Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams respectively. But in Porno, Smith suggests promiscuous behavior from the get-go.

The film debuted at number 2 in its opening weekend, but not because it is a poor flick. This film with script alone is solid from start to finish. Kevin Smith reels you in from curtain open with one liners that only he can put on the page and persuade into the actors mouths. A lot of critics talk about the mainly Judd Apatow cast, but fuck ‘em. If it wasn’t for Smith making Clerks there would be no Apatowian cast.

Justin Long and Brandon Routh make a nice looking gay couple in the flick. And I’m not so sure B.J. Routh isn’t a little gay in real life. Did you see Superman Returns? Dude didn’t even throw a punch. And how do you think he got the part? I can say it’s a safe bet Brandon knows what Bryan Singer’s kryptonite is, if ya catch my drift.

Obviously Seth Rogen is balls out funny. No, that wasn’t a pun, you do not see Rogen’s nut bag. But however we do finally get full frontal from Jason Mewes, after being teased with his ass and the “Goodbye Horses” tuck in Clerks 2. That isn’t the best part of the scene though, as I walked away learning what a Dutch Rudder is. I myself am more interested in the Double Dutch Rudder. “It’s not gay.”

But besides the dicks and balls, there is a love story brewing underneath all of the fucking for money. And Elizabeth Banks sells it well. She makes you believe she is falling for Zack as he takes the reigns and tries to pay rent. Its comparable to the story of Clerks 2 where Rosario Dawson made you believe she actually would fuck Brian O’Halloran. But in this movie, Banks one ups her. In a role originally written for Rosario, Elizabeth Banks steals the movie. Not only is she funny, but she does it while still coming off attractive, even in granny panties. I can’t picture Rosario or anyone else making a better Miri, and taking Seth Rogens dick with more dignity, than Banks.

What with the title and the posters being banned and the original NC-17 rating, this film is catching a bad rap to say the least. It is a perfect date movie. It has something for everyone. Take your girlfriend. You’ll be happy because: Yes it has tits. She’ll be happy because: Yes it has balls. Yes it has Mewes’ cock. (With well trimmed pubes I might add.) But it is also extremely heartfelt and sweet. This film is the best looking Kevin Smith movie to date, and the most appealing. I was hoping for a little more Jeff Anderson, but I’m not crying over spilled milk. I feel like Jeff Anderson really got shit on in screen time. You’ll see what I’m talking about when you go see it. (Ok, maybe your girlfriend doesn’t like looking at balls or full frontal cock, but after the film ask her for a Dutch Rudder and she’ll be more than willing to give out. I promise.)

The other movies were great. Everything in the Askewniverse. Chasing Amy and Clerks 2 being my obvious favorites. But he has left that all behind. He no longer has that crutch to lean on. A world already set up for him where everyone knows where the Quick-Stop is, and no one will take a chocolate covered pretzel from Brody. This film stands alone. It may not make $100 million. The mainstream audience may not see it because of the word “Porno” in the title. But once again, fuck ‘em. This is an outstanding film. This is a film that, if anything, Kevin Smith can be very proud of.

Bangkok D

Ok.

First off, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t go see this film. Second, I’m sorry that no one I know went to see this film. I asked Anthony from work what he thought of it on Monday afternoon hoping that he saw it over the weekend.

“No bro. I didn’t see it.”

So I was just going to leave that as the review. And that would be it. But thats just not good enough for our readers. SO! I now am going to tell you how it ends. For real now. This is the ending:

Its Dark. Really dark. And Nic Cage, sporting Tom Hanks’ hairpiece from Da Vinci Code, is in a car. The cops are waiting for him at the end of the driveway. He puts it in reverse. I think there is another guy in the car with him but it is too hard to tell. Now it goes into slow-mo and here is where it gets Wicked Awesome! Nic Cage pulls out a gun, and you think whats he going to do? Kill the cops? Kill the guy in the car with him? Kill his career by doing a shitty film? No. Thats not what happens.

He kills himself. He puts the gun up to his head and in slow-mo, which makes it Wicked Awesome, he pulls the trigger. You see a flash and Nic Cage is dead.

THE END!