GARBAGE DAY! Cabin Fever Style

Thats right manwhores. Its Garbage Day again. And since Halloween is around the corner, we’re going to do a scary one for you! I wanted to do Escape from Witch Mountain but I haven’t seen that shit in years and can’t remember it besides the fact that it was Garbage. So instead I bring you the review of:

Cabin Fever

Ok so this came out in ‘02 and I don’t know how many people went to see it, but out of everyone that I talk to, they saw it when it came out on dvd and everyone hated it. So does that classify it as garbage? I think so.

It stars Sean from Boy Meets World, remember that show? They should have just called him Sean in the film because thats what I am going to refer to him as.

SO, Sean and 4 of his college friends, lets just call them Cory, Topanga, Eric, and Angela (except she’s not black, shes a white blond haired girl, but just go with it ) for the hell of it. They head up to a cabin for a vacation after finals. (Which thank God are over, right? I mean, Feeny’s history final was tough, right? ) Anyway, so they meet this guy that has a flesh eating virus and instead of helping him, they close the door in his face. He goes onto throw up blood all over their car, and they set him on fire.

It turns out they start getting the virus one by one, because the guy runs to the nearest body of water, which happens to be the reservoir, but, unbeknownest to the characters, the water line runs to their house, so they all drink the infected water. But who lets a flesh eating disease ruin a vacation? Not Sean Hunter!

He goes on to finger Angela, the love of his life, and in one of the most intimate and romantic scenes ever captured on film, she bleeds all over his hand, but that ain’t period blood, Red Wing Commander! Here it is for your viewing pleasure!

So they quarantine Angela, Sean is upset and Eric heads into town, while Cory runs away into the woods. So Topanga is upset that Cory left her and ends up fucking Sean. Sean tries to was his dick off using Listerine, but we all know that only kills STD’s and not flesh eating viruses. Idiot.

Sean, now fully freaked out leaves Topanga and Angela in the cabin and also runs off into the woods. He finds the reservoir and the dead body. Intrigued, he has to poke it with a stick. The dumb fuck falls into the water and onto the body. Ok so to recap: He fingered one bitch who has the fucking virus, then fucked another bitch that probably has it (and you find out while he is in the woods that she does), then he falls onto the originator of the virus. So if he didn’t have the virus already, he sure as shit has it now.

Back to the cabin. Topanga gets eaten by a dog, Sean decides to kill Angela because she is too fucked up from the virus. Eric comes back to the cabin from looking for help, only being chased by three dudes from town trying to kill him. So in an ellaborate scheme, too ellaborate to tell you in words, Sean kills them all after they kill Eric. He then heads into the woods trying to find Cory. He eventually finds him and hes dead. I know, you didn’t see it coming.

Sean ends up finding another set of campers and ends up throwing up blood all over them. He ends up in the hospital after stumbling upon some luck, but he isn’t out of the woods yet! (GET IT? )

The hospital decides that they can’t deal with whatever the hell he has and tells the sheriff to take him to the next county, but guess what they do? They throw his body into the woods! And he falls into the mother fucking lake.

Cut to the end, where two kids are selling lemonade and they filled their container up with water from the lake. Just goes to show that hicks always get fucked in the end. Way to go Sean Hunter.

Garbage Day Beetches!

Ahh yes, it is Garbage Day once again.

Todays film is the hunk of shit known only as, Population 436

This masterpiece was released in the year 2006 and not only does it suck, but it sucks big elephant dick. This film stars Jeremy Sisto. He was in Waitress, Now You Know, and Angel Eyes, but you probably know him from his role as Jesus in the made for tv movie, brilliantly named, Jesus.

Old Jeremy visits a town where the population is low, close to 437, but not that many! That’s too high, I reckon! Well there is a deep dark secret haunting this town that no one wants you to find out. Not nobody. Not no how. Certainly not Deputy Bobby Caine! Who is played by, you guessed it! FRED DURST.

Now let me tell you. FRED DURST is in this film. FRED Motherfuckin DURST. The guy from Limp Bizkit. While he portrays a believable enough hillbilly cop, it is still FRED DURST. So this is why we haven’t had any new Limp Bizkit, huh FRED DURST? I was waiting all film for him to look Sisto in the eyes and scream, “It’s My WAY! MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!” And Wes Borland to show up with his guitar and weird face paint. Oh man, remember when they covered “Faith” by George Michael? Remember when they were relevant, back in the 90’s man? Oh shit, they aren’t anymore? Man. Thats a bummer.

Anyway back to the film. It sucks. They give people lobotomies and call it a fever. Jeremy Sisto dies in the end. Its not good. Not good at all.  Here’s the trailer. Don’t ever watch it.

Garbage Day!

So once a week, I would like to have Garbage day where one of us, or maybe both of us, will pick a film that is complete garbage, and review it.

So remember back in the day when Freddie Prinze Jr did like all these totally awesome movies and every chick totally wanted to slob on his knob? I’m talking pre-Scooby Doo Prinze Jr. Like the way he was in I Know What You Did Last Summer and She’s All That. Geez, I’m getting hard just thinking about him. Anyway…..

He did this film, maybe you have seen it, it’s entitled Down to You with Julia Stiles. This movie is made very shittily (yes, I made that word up just for Garbage Day)

Its about these two kids who fall in love. But when they reach college, things start to fall apart. Julia Stiles turns into this uber-Bitch and gets all uppity about Freddie not being a party goer. Cut the guy a break! Just cause he doesn’t want to go out and do drugs and fuck all sorts of starnge poon doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you! He does! He really does! He would just much rather stay home and bone the shit out of you; he isn’t like all the other guys. He is special! You’re such a bitch! I can’t believe you would do that to me!                            Umm, yeah. Sorry. Started having flashbacks.

So she cheats on him with Ashton Kutcher, who is playing some weird Jim Morrison character. And he breaks up with her, but then realizes that she is the only one for him. He tells us this, because throughout the movie they are constantly breaking the fourth wall and talking to you, the audience. I like to sometimes think that he is only talking to me. This movie was made only for me….

So he tries to kill himself. It was a dark hour for Jr. He finds an old bottle of her shampoo and drinks it. Why would he try to kill himself that way? I have no idea. Yeah not your smartest move Freddie Prinze Jr.

But he survives! I know, I know. You were sweating it out and all worried, but no matter now. So typical teen movie, they end up getting back together. And that bitch wrote some book about him and it’s called Down to You, just like the title of the movie. They get back together and everything is fine.

At the end of the film, you almost want Freddie Prinze to drop her ass and go out and fuck Rosario Dawson, who is also in the film. While only making a brief appearance, she manages to stick her finger in some guys ass. True Story.

But, alas, Freddie is a stand up guy and they end up together. Because after everything, they realized that they were meant to be together. (Hold on. Hold on. I can’t see because I’m tearing up. Eyes are all watery. Like a waterfall. Hold. Hold. Hold on. Ok. I’m fine now.) They realize that it came down to one person for them. It came Down to You.

Epilogue

Ok, so I really like this movie. I admitted it. Everytime it comes on I can’t turn it off. I’m surpirsed I don’t own it yet. It is solid. Ok? It’s a solid piece of work. Freddie Prinze Jr is just so god-damn cute.