My Dads Review of Saw 5

I went to the Poconos this past weekend with the wife.

It was awesome.

I know you wished you had come with, but you couldn’t and I’m not sorry.

We went snowmobiling.

I know you wish you could have gone snowmobiling, but you couldn’t and, again, I am not sorry.

But anyway…

I walked in the door to come home, and my father was sitting on the couch and we chit chatted about the weather and other things.

He then told me he had seen Saw 5 recently.

I said to him, “Oh yeah? Tell me about it. What did you think?” Because I had not seen it.

So without further adu, here is my fathers review of Saw 5, word for word:

“Lets put it this way, there’s going to be another one.”

And there you have it! A tremendous review, and I hope that didn’t ruin the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it. I will try to get more reviews from him, but its hard when all he has been watching is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

The best Christmas films of all time. #25

Boys and girls! Its only 25 days away!

CHRISTMAS!

And just for you kids we will have a mini review of a new Christmas film everyday! I’m so fucking excited to bring you…….

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

Remember this film! The year was 1996, Sinbad still kind of had a career and Phil Hartman hadn’t been shot to death by his wife yet. Good times. Here is the trailer in all its HD glory!

Oh that Arnold! He’s one crazy motherfucker! And how bout that song? It pretty much sums up the whole movie in one catchy jingle! Fuck, they’re good.

Check out this video too!

Not only is it Christmas time, but its also Turbo Time!

Everything you need to know about the “Halloween” franchise

Well kids its time for the typical movie review that coincides with a holiday. So unless you are retarded like Jim Baker you know what holiday it is. Halloween is my favorite holiday next to Garbage Day. I love watching horror movies all day and mocking them for the pieces of shit they are. But there is one horror franchise I hold close to my heart. The “Halloween” series.  I love Michael Myers. I root for him because I love him that much. But back to why Halloween is the best.  When John Carpenter made the original back in ‘78 it changed the face of the horror genre because it was so different. You know why it was so different?  Because it was actually fucking scary and it had an actual fucking plot!  That was unheard of in an era of shitty zombie movies and porn like scary flicks. Now some of the acting wasn’t the best but it was an independent film. Its not like they could of got Bale to star in it. Though that would have been fucking BA. They had an unknown cast with the exception of one Donald Pleasence. Man, he fucking owned as Dr. Loomis. Its the perfect horror movie. Suspense, drama, tits, dog slaughter, and the stereotypical cliffhanger ending. So Michael gets shot by Loomis and when they got look at his corpse. Surprise!  He’s gone which sets up the inevitable sequel……

Halloween II

Not bad for a sequel. Actually I think it might be a slight more scary then the first one.  It starts right where Halloween ended but it had one problem. Visually it looked like it was 4 years later, because it was filmed 4 years later. Jamie Lee is wearing a god awful wig almost as bad as the one she donned in Trading Places. Anyway, Michael escapes and a city wide manhunt is on. Doc Loomis yells a lot, Jamie Lee goes to a hospital and does a strip tease for her husband but doesn’t know its her husband and Tom Arnold wants to kill her. Wait that doesn’t seem….fuck it. Michael is supposedly burnt alive……

Halloween 3

MICHAEL MYERS ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE. DUMB AS FUCK

Halloween 4

Michael isn’t dead. He was in coma. Apparently people thought it smart to keep the guy who slaughtered a whole town alive. I enjoyed this film because in a decade where horror movies were as cheesy as Frank TV this one stood out. Its not full of unnecassary violence and sex. It’s just scary and awesome

Halloween 5

Awful
Like really bad
Nothing was redeeming about this film

Halloween 6

The Curse of Michael Myers
This is my favorite horror movie of all time. Most Halloween fans hate it because it decided to be different and explain Michael’s rage. God forbid. In this film, its explained that in between his holiday horror fests Michael is taken care of by the people who run Smithsgrove Sanitarium. Their like some fucking cult group who are like the druids and their symbol is a thorn. Ok, its not stupid as it sounds because they don’t really go into too much depth with it. Oh, fucking Paul Rudd is in it and he’s the shit. Its really suspenseful. The Myers mask is really really creepy and he seems more pissed off then ever
Halloween H20

Jamie Lee Curtis returns to do her best to ruin this series and she almost does it
Halloween Ressurection

Jamie Lee Curtis ruins the series with some help from Busta Rhymes. Yuck.
That was it for the franchise I adored my entire life. There’s no going back after Busta Rhymes survives a Halloween movie.  So in late 2006, Dimension films announced that Rob Zombie would helm a reimagining of Halloween…

Halloween: The Devils Reject’s

I love Rob Zombie.  I loved The Devil Reject’s and I thought House of a Thousand Corpses was ok.  To me he seemed perfect to give some life in this franchise,  I was kind of wrong.  Zombie kept saying he was not remaking it he was retelling it.  Thats the same fucking thing!  I loved the cast, i loved the look of the film, but I had one major problem with the movie.  In the original, Michael just kills his sister and there is no explanation why.  He stabbed her and went out front and sat on the curb wating for his parents.  This time around we see more of his childhood which is fine but Rob Zombie fucked up.  In my opinion the most absolute scariest thing he could have done was make his childhood picture perfect.  He made it the opposite.  His stepfather was the typical abusive asshole.  His mom was a stripper doing her best to make a better life for her family.  His sister was a whore and you feel no remosre when she meets her end.  I would have made is family like the fucking Brady Bunch. Even Michael would be all smiles, untill he grabbed the knife and cemented his name.  But other then that I think Zombie did alright.  He was true to the original but not too much.  He made a Rob Zombie Halloween which he said he was gonna do. He;s not doing a sequel which to me is a good thing because I dont think his heart would’ve been in it.

So that’s it assholes.  Everything you need to know about the Halloween franchise.  GO RAYS!

Jaws is the coolest movie ever

So I’m watching Jaws the other day on my new 37 inch LCD tv and it still holds up after 33 years. It doesn’t look dated at all.  Fucking Robert Shaw as Quint is one of the best characters in movie history.  Roy Scheider as Sheriff Brody is a great leading man and not once do you doubt his hate for this fucking shark. Dick Dreyfuss just owns the screen as Matt Hooper.  Even the dude playing the mayor is amazing!.  From the opening scene of some unknown bitch drowning you’re drawn in.  The whole movie is one giant orgasm.  Starts off a little slow but it feels good.  Its starts building and you think youre at full climax when they catch the tiger shark, but no sir the shark were looking for is a great white.  So we start over.  It builds again as Quint, Brody, and Hooper go out to sea to hunt the beast. Your shaking because its getting close when Hooper supposedly gets eating by the shark.  Quint gets eaten whole and you just cant take anymore.  Brody sets up on the sinking ship.  Takes his aim. And boom! The shark is dead and you just blew a load all over your boyfriends face.  And as he’s cleaning up your man juice from his disgraced face Matt Hooper appears and all is well. Man I fucking love Jaws