#1

This is it.

It’s finally over.

25 days.

25 films.

And it all boils down to this.

One film.

If you don’t own it already, go out, right now. On Christmas. And buy two copies.

Just in case one copy breaks.

The best Christmas film. Ever.

And many of you are wondering, “Is it Miracle on 34th Street ? It’s a Wonderful Life ? The original A Christmas Carol ?”

Fuck no.

Those movies, as put ever so gracefully by Chris, “are in black and white dude.”

And therefore, are not welcome on our list.

The number ONE Christmas film of all time.

Christmas Vacation

There was only one way to do this one, and that was with DUELING REVIEWS!

Bri-Guy will kick things off, followed by Jer-Bears review.

Part One:

Clark Griswold once said, “We’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapped dance with Danny fuckin Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.” And I always try to live by that statement every Christmas.

The Griswolds finally decide to stay home for a vacation, and I’m glad that they did. This is the best Vacation film of them all. It starts innocent enough, with the family looking for a tree, inviting their families over, the usual.

It turns into a shitfest for the Griswolds.

First the 250 strands of lights don’t work, after not having an axe to cut down their tree. Then Clark gets locked in the attic after trying to hide presents up there. But one of my favorite moments is when cousin Eddie shows up.

“You surprised Clark?”

“Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now…”

And after the tree burns down, and Aunt Bethany’s cat burns alive, and a squirrel tears apart the house, Chevy Chase delivers the best Christmas line ever. I began my review with that line, and I’m going to end it with it too.

“Hallelujah. Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?”

Part Two:

Ahh, finally.  The number one Christmas movie of all time.  Of course it’s Christmas Vacation.  There was really no debate here.  It’s the funniest, most clever, and just most enjoyable out of any the films in this fucking dumb, horribly thought out list.

Chevy Chase plays the lovable, goofy Clark Griswold and all he wants for Christmas is to have everyone come to his house and relive all the great childhood memories he has.  And his dream comes true….eventually.  Nothing seems to go right for Clark.  From his asshole Father in law to his senile Aunt Bethany to the very awesome and hilarious Cousin Eddie.  Dennis Quaid’s half retarded brother plays Eddie.  Eddie has made an appearance in three Vacation movies and starred in his own train wreck film

I COULD NOT FIND A TRAILER FOR CHRISTMAS VACATION 2, THAT IS HOW BAD IT IS

I watch Christmas Vacation every year and it still makes me laugh.  Everyone enjoys this movie and if you don’t you are either battling a case of down syndrome or your name is James Rishel.  This movie has had such an impact on my life I refuse to eat green jello!  You never know bro!

So that is our list.  Enjoy it cocksuckers, were never doing it again.

See you next year :)

Oh one more thing

Beverly D’Angelo nude

#2 Murray Christmas to all!

It was hard putting this film at number 2, believe you me.

But we had to. It was close, but the number 2 film is the brilliant Bill Murray in

Scrooged

Its a modern day, 1988, take on Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol, where Frank Cross is a network television president, who lets the power go to his head. But his life is about to change.

I wish I could post this whole Goddamned movie because it is just that fuckin good.

Here is the beginning of the film including the fake trailers to be aired on the IBC network.

If you haven’t seen this film, you are a fucking moron and need to be put to sleep. Go out and buy it right now.

Tomorrow we’ll have the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS FILM according to MoviePooter, because no one else has a list with this many classics, and frankly every other movie site can suck it.

Merry Fuckin Christmas

#3 “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse! Pee-Wee Speaking!”

Every year in my house, I made everyone sit down and watch this. For years.

In fact, I still make everyone watch it.

At number 3 on our list, its Pee Wees Playhouse Christmas Special

I grew up with Pee Wee, and his Christmas Special was viewed so many times that the VHS broke. So last year I purchased the DVD. Which you can buy too! Just click through to Amazon.com on the right of your page and search Pee Wees Christmas Special. And before you know it, you’ll be enjoying Christmas with:

Pee Wee

Chairy

Conky

Magic Screen

Terry

Globey

Floory

Miss Yvonne

Cowboy Curtis

Little Richard

k.d. Lang

OPRAH!

Whoopi Goldberg

Magic Johnson

Ricardo

The King of Cartoons

Jambi

Grace Jones

Frankie Avalon

Charro

Joan Rivers

and the list goes on and on.

But the Creepiest. By far. Are the Del Rubio Triplets. See for yourself.

When I was younger I was already confused about whether or not k.d. Lang was a dude in a dress, but then these three dudes in makeup come on acting like they’re playing guitars and singing horribly. It messed me up for years, man.

But, all in all, this is a Christmas must. Paul Reubens at his finest.

#4 “SANTA! I know him!”

We’re getting down to the nitty gritty here boys and girls! Only three more days until Christmas! And only three more movies after this one!

If you haven’t guessed from the title, the number 4 film on the best Christmas movie list ever, is 2003’s ELF

That guy from Anchorman plays the title role, and boy is he funny!

Buddy the Elf is a human who winds up in the North Pole as an infant, but soon learns he is not from Santa’s workshop. He embarks on a mission to find his real father, but encounters trouble along the way.

This movie is filled with Classic lines and is just another classic. It’s probably the most versatile Christmas film from modern history because it makes adults laugh as well as children.

Favorite quotes:

#5 Bad Santa!

This movie is vulgar.  Like almost too vulgar.  Billy Bob Thorton says things that I feel bad even thinking about.  But it is still the funniest movie on our list.  Bad Santa was like a perfect storm.  It had an amazing cast that included Billy Bob Thorton, Lauren Graham, John Ritter(RIP), Bernie Mac(RIP), Jack Lemmon(RIP), John Candy(RIP), Phil Hartman(RIP), River Phoenix(RIP).  Billy Bob plays Willie a down on his luck alcoholic who will do anything for money, even befriend a black midget…yuck.  So him and Shortround go around and rob malls on Christmas Eve.  Willie portraying Santa and midget portraying an elf.  There is one catch though, Willie can’t stay sober for more then an hour!  So of course Willie fucks it up.  He rails some black whore in a dressing room and pisses himself with a little girl on his lap (I know hot!).  Somehow in the midst of ruining the heist Willie finds love in Lauren Graham and befriends some fat fucking mess of a kid named who gives a shit what his name is.  I’m not gonna give anymore away because you should just go see it!  If you don’t I will make you go see Oasis live in concert and nobody wants that!

#6 Another Asshole.

Clocking in at number 6 is The Muppets Christmas Carol

This film came out in 1992 and was the first appearance of the Muppets after Jim Henson died in 1990, and they made it a good one.

Michael Caine plays Scrooge, and he plays off the Muppets as if they were real actors. That just shows the merit of a great actor, he can look at a green sock and still be fucking awesome.

This film is a Classic and if you watch it, you’ll see why it made the list. Not only that, but why it is so high up.

Caine shows his range and really comes off as a huge asshole. Just a fucking dick. You really start to hate him, but by the third act he turns it around and you love him. Even though he treated Kermit like shit.

#7 Dr. Seuss’ How the Douche Stole Christmas

Whether it is the older version with Boris Karloff, or the updated live-action with Jim Carrey, this film is a classic. Hands down the best Dr. Seuss tale, and I’m sure many will agree with me.

But man. THAT GUY WAS A DICK!

This dude just straight up hates everything. Who-ville? He hates it. The Whos that live there? Hates them. Cindy Lou Who? Hates her bitch ass. Christmas? Fucking loathes it. Gay sex? He’s not opposed to the idea, but would probably not enjoy it too much.

He only has one friend, and its his dog Max. I don’t see how this dog likes this guy. He’s always yelling at Max and just being an overall shit head towards him. He must be doing something to him behind closed doors to keep him loyal.

He must really rub his belly good. Because if I was Max, and I wasn’t getting a good belly rub from time to time, I would kick his ass to the curb.

Here is how it should have ended:

He should have just stayed an asshole. Not apologized. Ruined Christmas. Then he should tell them he’s going to do it next year too.

The Who’s are upset at first, but then they realize that this dudes heart is two sizes too small and he won’t live until next Christmas. He’s going to die because that shit ain’t running for a whole year.

They comfort themselves in knowing that they can go get their presents back, including the roast beast, when his Grinchy ass is dead in a couple of months.

And then, when he finally dies and they go to get their presents back, each and every Who can kick his rotting corpse around the floor a couple of times, smack his tiny dick around and laugh at how small it is, and finally, a lucky few are allowed to take a shit in his open mouth.

#8 Home Alone

Coming in at number 8 with a bullett is Home Alone starring Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Kevin McCallister.  So here’s the haps.  Two dudes rob houses around Christmas time when the know the family is away for the holiday.  They eye up the McCallister residence.  The Macs leave but leave their jerkoff of a son behind.  They say it was a mistake but all that douche did was torment his family and got all emo when they leave him.  They totally left him there on purpose praying that the creepy old man with the shovel would pull an Adam Walsh with him!  So this little dick is abandoned on Xmas and begins to adjust to it….that’s when the Wet Bandits attack.  Oh for the record The Wet Bandits is the most pedophile name ever.  So they try to fuck Kevin and Old man shovel cock comes to the rescue and his family comes back. The End.

#9#9#9#9#9#9#9#9 A Tbsmarathonstory

Ah, Christmas morning.  Presents.  The glimmer of the tree. Mom making breakfast.  A Christmas Story.  All these things are tradition.  I can’t imagine not watching A Christmas Story at least 15 times on Jesus birthday.  Everyone can identify with that movie.  Everyone watches it and smiles and just thinks about the pure joy of Christmas.  Alright enough the sappy shit.  This movie is fucking creepy but it’s awesome.  Here is why its creepy.

The narrator sounds like he should be arrested for the murder of Jon Benet Tightass.  You can practically here the drool dripping from his sinful mouth as he discusses Flick getting his tongue stuck to the pole.  If you notice never once is it said what happens to Ralphy when he grows up.  He’s serving a 12 year sentence for sodomizing Scott Farkus. 

How the fuck did Ralphy’s dad land his mom?  She’s like an 8 and hes a creepy old man obsessed with lamps and turkeys.

Even with it’s creepiness it’s still one of the best movies ever made and i hope that tbs continues to shove it down our throats for another 50 years

TOP TEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lethal Weapon #10

Remember when Mel Gibson just secretly hated the Jews?  Remember when Danny Glover made good films? I do.  And no it wasn’t when Danny made a hillarious cameo in Maverick.

It was Lethal Weapon. Yes it’s vulgar and just full of blood.  But it also is one of the most heart warming Christmas movies ever and that’s why it kicks off our top ten. In this film, Mel plays Martin Riggs play a suicidal but yet top of the line LA cop.  Danny plays Roger Murtaugh an aging cop about to retire.  All is going well for Danny, he celebrates his 50th birthday and decides to call it a career.  But he gets totally fucked when he gets a new partner in the form Mad Max (that means Mel Gibson, Baker).  Danny isn’t happy of course but they soon grow to love and fuck each other….yup.  Ok that was a joke.  Gary Busey plays Mr. Joshua, one fo the best villains ever in the flick.  Hes a former platoon buddy of Riggs and now is a mortal enemy!  There is a sick scene at the end where the whole police force watches as Joshua and Riggs engage in a very homoerotic fight on Murtaugh’s front lawn.  Not one dude tries to stop them.  Apparently that’s the rules one enemies fight in LA…who knew…not me.  I love this movie and so do you

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