The Day the Earth all took Pills to kill themselves.

Man oh man.

If there is ever a better role written for Keanu Reeves, I will be first in line to preorder my tickets.

In two weeks time boys and girls, just TWO SHORT FUCKING WEEKS! We will witness the REVOLUTIONARY himself. Keanu Reeves is the man. And December 12 is the day…

The Day The Earth Stood Still

I’m sorry kids, but this movie looks extremely boring. In saying boring I mean, Im saying that Keanu looks brilliant. I can see them sitting him down and saying, “For this film, Ted, we need you to be as stiff and alien like as possible.” And he said, “Ok, but how do you want me to play the part?” Ha-Cha-Cha-Cha!

Reeves plays an alien, and the trailer leads you to believe that he knows of some imminent attack on earth to make it stand still or something, and I guess birds and shit would die if the earth stood still, but would one day really mess us up? That’s your big move aliens? Making the earth stand still for one day? You traveled billions of light years to stop the spinning? Man. Whats going to happen? Are we all going to fall over? Hardly worth all that gas you’re wasting, aliens. Especially with the economy the way it is. You should really look into going green.

I don’t think this film will even gain back production cost at the box office. It’s going to flop. Big time. And besides, didn’t we already see this movie, it had Tom Cruise in it and the aliens were attacking and Dakota Fanning screams “IS IT THEM?”………..Oh wait…. that’s War of the Worlds.

Thanksgiving.

Fuck how I wish this movie was real. Its the best thing Eli Roth has ever done.

For anyone who hasn’t seen this yet, it is the trailer that ran during Grindhouse for the fake film Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving: You’ll come home for the holidays, in a body bag.

Bullshit.

So the weekend box office is in. And fucking Twilight stole 70 mil from little teen girls everywhere in the States. I’m glad that such a well oiled machine trumped poor little Bolt .

No matter how fast that little dog ran, fucking Twilight was determined to suck the life out of him. Good job Twilight I hope you’re fucking happy. Killing a little dog’s dreams.

JUST LOOK AT HIM! HOW COULD YOU TWILIGHT ?

Anyway (wiping away tears), are you going to come back around and kill the dog from Marley and Me too? You are a fucking asshole Twilight. An animated dog won’t be enough will it? Just look at him:

He’s just so damn adorable. Harry Potter would have never killed dogs, Twilight. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go back to your coffin, or wherever it is you are hiding these days, DOG MURDERER!

Review - Quantum of Solace

The Poot crew rolled out of their caves Friday evening and all went to see the new 007 flick, Quantum of Solace

This film is the first official sequel to a Bond movie in the entire franchise. Each movie coming before had the same main character but never a continuing storyline. This is what makes Quantum so appealing.

Casino Royale was such a strong film story wise, and it took Bond to a different level. That is, with less action. I personally loved Royale as it elevated the Bond character to a much more sophisticated being. This isn’t your dad’s James Bond anymore kiddies. This dude gets messy. He gets his ass beat, he ruffles his hair, he makes mistakes. Connery never did that. You would never see Roger Moore taking a knotted rope to the ball bag. No sir.

Believe you me, Daniel Craig is the best Bond, hands down, for those reasons. He is different to those other actors because in Royale he was learning to become Bond and in Quantum of Solace he writes the rule book.

The film opens where the last film left off. Bond shot Mr. White and we learn that he throws him in the trunk and White’s handlers are none too pleased about that and a high speed, machine gun chase ensues.

The execs over at MGM must have sat down before pre-production and said “Look. The last films action was based around a card game. A fucking card game. This is James Bond boys and girls. We need more action. WE NEED A CAR CHASE TO KICK OFF THE FILM! WE NEED A BOAT CHASE! WE NEED A PLANE SCENE WHERE A FIGHTER PLANE SHOOTS AT BONDS PLANE, WHICH WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE A PLANE CHASE! WE NEED NOT ONE, BUT TWO BOND GIRLS! And the body count needs to be HIGHER!” The other execs all cried unanimously “FUCK YES!” And Quantum of Solace was born.

The MI6 in this film stumbles upon a secret organization known as Quantum and it is Bonds job to figure out who is in it and who is running it. He does this in the midst of all the aforementioned chase scenes. He stops for a hot minute to bone a red headed chick, and the new Bond girl is a strong female lead (not like Halle Berry, which was just fucking ridiculous ) The only thing that sucks is the new Bond girl Olga Kurylenko, while strong and all, doesn’t take a ride on Bond’s 007. She is a model and an actress. She has posed nude before, ( Just type her name into Google Image search, you’ll find it, you perv ) but nothing at all intimate from her.

That was the only thing that was shitty about this film. Regardless of the terrible theme song, which, I think Jack White must have been trashed while composing, and the kind of ridiculous plane scene, this was my favorite Bond film from recent memory.

Lots of action, including Bond killing one dude and then wearing his jacket throughout most of the film. Who does that? Thats like the ultimate fuck you. You bought this jacket? Well now your dead and I’m stealing it. Not only stealing it, but I am going to wear it and kill more people in it. And you liked to wear it buttoned up? Well I’m wearing it open. Oh, sick burn.

A great story, branching off from Casino Royale, it ties up some loose ends, brings back some old characters, but leaves you wanting more. It is the shortest film in the Bond franchise at only an hour and a half, but it is extremely strong. It sets up for what could be an amazing third act, which is the direction I hope they take.

Go see it if you haven’t already. The film doesn’t really give you a chance to breathe. It is non stop from start to finish.

Worth the price of admission? Fuck Yeah.

Zack and Miri DUELING REVIEWS!

So here it is boys and girls, both of our reviews for Zack and Miri Make a Porno. First up is Jeromys and then Brians.

Written totally seperate from each other. So if they’re similar it just goes to show that we’re gay. Here it is, HOT OFF THE PRESSES!

Review numero uno by Jerome

Once again Kevin Smith got me.  He made a movie with dick and fart jokes but yet still made me fall in love with every character.  Ive seen every Smith film and I enjoy all of them.  I thought he made his masterpiece with Clerks II, but I was wrong. Smith went back to the well for Clerks II and that’s not a bad thing at all. His film prior to that, Jersey Girl was panned because he stepped out his world he created and tried something new. Or maybe it was panned because it fucking sucked.  No, it was good. But back to Z and M.  He took the humor from Clerks II and spliced it with the heart of Jersey Girl. In this dick and fuck fest Smith once again left his world, but like a great filmmaker he didnt leave the feel of it behind.  Right from the start you know its a Kevin Smith film. There’s a musical montage ending with a great burning ball hair joke. What was very important to this movie was that the audience had to believe that Zack and Miri were best friends, that they had chemistry. Smith wastes no time establishing that. Seth Rogan plays Zack and Elizabeth Banks plays Miri. Rogan just fucking owns every scene hes in all his films. He’s just a naturally funny guy and fits right into the Kevin Smith mold of a leading man.  Banks is so beautiful and is really funny.  That’s hard to pull off because women aren’t funny.  Craig Robinson plays Zack’s best friend and if Rogan wasn’t so money Robinson would’ve stolen every scene.  And Im not saying that because he’s black.  Jason Mewes PLAYS A DIFFERENT CHARACTER!!!  And he was really really good.  I’ll never look at him the same way ever again.  Traci Lords plays a chick who blows bubbles out of her old cunt.  Katie Morgan, an actual porn star, wasn’t half bad. She didn’t annoy me as much as I thought she going to.  Jeff Andersen, another Smith main stay, was great but under used in my opinion.  I think Andersen and Rogan could be magic for Smith if he chooses to go down that path.

Kevin Smith has a way of telling a beautiful and believable love story like no one else can.  He takes this tale of two people falling in love and wraps it in a cockcoon of anal sex but yet somehow I’m still left feeling like I’ve watched a warm heart felt film…even if Jeff Andersen is shit on by Katie Morgan.  I truely believe this is Kevin Smith’s best film.  I hope he works with Rogan again because they have something there.  Smith achieved something with Rogan that Judd Apatow could not. He made you believe Seth Rogan was in love with Elizabeth Banks, like real, pure love. That’s what Kevin Smith does best, He makes it all seem so fucking real.  Snoogins.

Review numero dos by Bri Guy

From Chasing Amy, where Holden is devastated to learn as to how many partners Alyssa has fucked, to Zack and Miri Make a Porno, where it is obvious he doesn’t care who is fucking who; Kevin Smith has come into his own. In Amy, for those who haven’t seen it, Holden McNeil cannot overcome the past of Alyssa Jones, played by Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams respectively. But in Porno, Smith suggests promiscuous behavior from the get-go.

The film debuted at number 2 in its opening weekend, but not because it is a poor flick. This film with script alone is solid from start to finish. Kevin Smith reels you in from curtain open with one liners that only he can put on the page and persuade into the actors mouths. A lot of critics talk about the mainly Judd Apatow cast, but fuck ‘em. If it wasn’t for Smith making Clerks there would be no Apatowian cast.

Justin Long and Brandon Routh make a nice looking gay couple in the flick. And I’m not so sure B.J. Routh isn’t a little gay in real life. Did you see Superman Returns? Dude didn’t even throw a punch. And how do you think he got the part? I can say it’s a safe bet Brandon knows what Bryan Singer’s kryptonite is, if ya catch my drift.

Obviously Seth Rogen is balls out funny. No, that wasn’t a pun, you do not see Rogen’s nut bag. But however we do finally get full frontal from Jason Mewes, after being teased with his ass and the “Goodbye Horses” tuck in Clerks 2. That isn’t the best part of the scene though, as I walked away learning what a Dutch Rudder is. I myself am more interested in the Double Dutch Rudder. “It’s not gay.”

But besides the dicks and balls, there is a love story brewing underneath all of the fucking for money. And Elizabeth Banks sells it well. She makes you believe she is falling for Zack as he takes the reigns and tries to pay rent. Its comparable to the story of Clerks 2 where Rosario Dawson made you believe she actually would fuck Brian O’Halloran. But in this movie, Banks one ups her. In a role originally written for Rosario, Elizabeth Banks steals the movie. Not only is she funny, but she does it while still coming off attractive, even in granny panties. I can’t picture Rosario or anyone else making a better Miri, and taking Seth Rogens dick with more dignity, than Banks.

What with the title and the posters being banned and the original NC-17 rating, this film is catching a bad rap to say the least. It is a perfect date movie. It has something for everyone. Take your girlfriend. You’ll be happy because: Yes it has tits. She’ll be happy because: Yes it has balls. Yes it has Mewes’ cock. (With well trimmed pubes I might add.) But it is also extremely heartfelt and sweet. This film is the best looking Kevin Smith movie to date, and the most appealing. I was hoping for a little more Jeff Anderson, but I’m not crying over spilled milk. I feel like Jeff Anderson really got shit on in screen time. You’ll see what I’m talking about when you go see it. (Ok, maybe your girlfriend doesn’t like looking at balls or full frontal cock, but after the film ask her for a Dutch Rudder and she’ll be more than willing to give out. I promise.)

The other movies were great. Everything in the Askewniverse. Chasing Amy and Clerks 2 being my obvious favorites. But he has left that all behind. He no longer has that crutch to lean on. A world already set up for him where everyone knows where the Quick-Stop is, and no one will take a chocolate covered pretzel from Brody. This film stands alone. It may not make $100 million. The mainstream audience may not see it because of the word “Porno” in the title. But once again, fuck ‘em. This is an outstanding film. This is a film that, if anything, Kevin Smith can be very proud of.