Everything you need to know about the “Halloween” franchise

Well kids its time for the typical movie review that coincides with a holiday. So unless you are retarded like Jim Baker you know what holiday it is. Halloween is my favorite holiday next to Garbage Day. I love watching horror movies all day and mocking them for the pieces of shit they are. But there is one horror franchise I hold close to my heart. The “Halloween” series.  I love Michael Myers. I root for him because I love him that much. But back to why Halloween is the best.  When John Carpenter made the original back in ‘78 it changed the face of the horror genre because it was so different. You know why it was so different?  Because it was actually fucking scary and it had an actual fucking plot!  That was unheard of in an era of shitty zombie movies and porn like scary flicks. Now some of the acting wasn’t the best but it was an independent film. Its not like they could of got Bale to star in it. Though that would have been fucking BA. They had an unknown cast with the exception of one Donald Pleasence. Man, he fucking owned as Dr. Loomis. Its the perfect horror movie. Suspense, drama, tits, dog slaughter, and the stereotypical cliffhanger ending. So Michael gets shot by Loomis and when they got look at his corpse. Surprise!  He’s gone which sets up the inevitable sequel……

Halloween II

Not bad for a sequel. Actually I think it might be a slight more scary then the first one.  It starts right where Halloween ended but it had one problem. Visually it looked like it was 4 years later, because it was filmed 4 years later. Jamie Lee is wearing a god awful wig almost as bad as the one she donned in Trading Places. Anyway, Michael escapes and a city wide manhunt is on. Doc Loomis yells a lot, Jamie Lee goes to a hospital and does a strip tease for her husband but doesn’t know its her husband and Tom Arnold wants to kill her. Wait that doesn’t seem….fuck it. Michael is supposedly burnt alive……

Halloween 3

MICHAEL MYERS ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE. DUMB AS FUCK

Halloween 4

Michael isn’t dead. He was in coma. Apparently people thought it smart to keep the guy who slaughtered a whole town alive. I enjoyed this film because in a decade where horror movies were as cheesy as Frank TV this one stood out. Its not full of unnecassary violence and sex. It’s just scary and awesome

Halloween 5

Awful
Like really bad
Nothing was redeeming about this film

Halloween 6

The Curse of Michael Myers
This is my favorite horror movie of all time. Most Halloween fans hate it because it decided to be different and explain Michael’s rage. God forbid. In this film, its explained that in between his holiday horror fests Michael is taken care of by the people who run Smithsgrove Sanitarium. Their like some fucking cult group who are like the druids and their symbol is a thorn. Ok, its not stupid as it sounds because they don’t really go into too much depth with it. Oh, fucking Paul Rudd is in it and he’s the shit. Its really suspenseful. The Myers mask is really really creepy and he seems more pissed off then ever
Halloween H20

Jamie Lee Curtis returns to do her best to ruin this series and she almost does it
Halloween Ressurection

Jamie Lee Curtis ruins the series with some help from Busta Rhymes. Yuck.
That was it for the franchise I adored my entire life. There’s no going back after Busta Rhymes survives a Halloween movie.  So in late 2006, Dimension films announced that Rob Zombie would helm a reimagining of Halloween…

Halloween: The Devils Reject’s

I love Rob Zombie.  I loved The Devil Reject’s and I thought House of a Thousand Corpses was ok.  To me he seemed perfect to give some life in this franchise,  I was kind of wrong.  Zombie kept saying he was not remaking it he was retelling it.  Thats the same fucking thing!  I loved the cast, i loved the look of the film, but I had one major problem with the movie.  In the original, Michael just kills his sister and there is no explanation why.  He stabbed her and went out front and sat on the curb wating for his parents.  This time around we see more of his childhood which is fine but Rob Zombie fucked up.  In my opinion the most absolute scariest thing he could have done was make his childhood picture perfect.  He made it the opposite.  His stepfather was the typical abusive asshole.  His mom was a stripper doing her best to make a better life for her family.  His sister was a whore and you feel no remosre when she meets her end.  I would have made is family like the fucking Brady Bunch. Even Michael would be all smiles, untill he grabbed the knife and cemented his name.  But other then that I think Zombie did alright.  He was true to the original but not too much.  He made a Rob Zombie Halloween which he said he was gonna do. He;s not doing a sequel which to me is a good thing because I dont think his heart would’ve been in it.

So that’s it assholes.  Everything you need to know about the Halloween franchise.  GO RAYS!

GARBAGE DAY! Cabin Fever Style

Thats right manwhores. Its Garbage Day again. And since Halloween is around the corner, we’re going to do a scary one for you! I wanted to do Escape from Witch Mountain but I haven’t seen that shit in years and can’t remember it besides the fact that it was Garbage. So instead I bring you the review of:

Cabin Fever

Ok so this came out in ‘02 and I don’t know how many people went to see it, but out of everyone that I talk to, they saw it when it came out on dvd and everyone hated it. So does that classify it as garbage? I think so.

It stars Sean from Boy Meets World, remember that show? They should have just called him Sean in the film because thats what I am going to refer to him as.

SO, Sean and 4 of his college friends, lets just call them Cory, Topanga, Eric, and Angela (except she’s not black, shes a white blond haired girl, but just go with it ) for the hell of it. They head up to a cabin for a vacation after finals. (Which thank God are over, right? I mean, Feeny’s history final was tough, right? ) Anyway, so they meet this guy that has a flesh eating virus and instead of helping him, they close the door in his face. He goes onto throw up blood all over their car, and they set him on fire.

It turns out they start getting the virus one by one, because the guy runs to the nearest body of water, which happens to be the reservoir, but, unbeknownest to the characters, the water line runs to their house, so they all drink the infected water. But who lets a flesh eating disease ruin a vacation? Not Sean Hunter!

He goes on to finger Angela, the love of his life, and in one of the most intimate and romantic scenes ever captured on film, she bleeds all over his hand, but that ain’t period blood, Red Wing Commander! Here it is for your viewing pleasure!

So they quarantine Angela, Sean is upset and Eric heads into town, while Cory runs away into the woods. So Topanga is upset that Cory left her and ends up fucking Sean. Sean tries to was his dick off using Listerine, but we all know that only kills STD’s and not flesh eating viruses. Idiot.

Sean, now fully freaked out leaves Topanga and Angela in the cabin and also runs off into the woods. He finds the reservoir and the dead body. Intrigued, he has to poke it with a stick. The dumb fuck falls into the water and onto the body. Ok so to recap: He fingered one bitch who has the fucking virus, then fucked another bitch that probably has it (and you find out while he is in the woods that she does), then he falls onto the originator of the virus. So if he didn’t have the virus already, he sure as shit has it now.

Back to the cabin. Topanga gets eaten by a dog, Sean decides to kill Angela because she is too fucked up from the virus. Eric comes back to the cabin from looking for help, only being chased by three dudes from town trying to kill him. So in an ellaborate scheme, too ellaborate to tell you in words, Sean kills them all after they kill Eric. He then heads into the woods trying to find Cory. He eventually finds him and hes dead. I know, you didn’t see it coming.

Sean ends up finding another set of campers and ends up throwing up blood all over them. He ends up in the hospital after stumbling upon some luck, but he isn’t out of the woods yet! (GET IT? )

The hospital decides that they can’t deal with whatever the hell he has and tells the sheriff to take him to the next county, but guess what they do? They throw his body into the woods! And he falls into the mother fucking lake.

Cut to the end, where two kids are selling lemonade and they filled their container up with water from the lake. Just goes to show that hicks always get fucked in the end. Way to go Sean Hunter.

I can’t believe it.

Beverly Hills Chiuhuhhuhuhua has been dethroned at the box office! Ladies and Gentlemen, you heard it here first! I give you the new weekend winner:

THE PUNISHER

MAX PAYNE

Calm yourselves! Please!

Taking in an even 18 mil this weekend fucking Max Payne took the #1 spot. It will be short lived though as I am sure Saw 17 is going to win out this upcoming weekend, and with a tagline of “You won’t believe how it ends!”, who isn’t going to go see that? I mean I’m pretty sure I can guess the ending. So here goes:

Jigsaw, now dead, has one last game up his dead sleeve and unleashes it on 5 unsuspecting people. They have to work together to get out, but people are stubborn and think they can do it themselves (didn’t this already happen in Saw 2? ) But they can’t and they band together but most of them die, and in the end I guess there might be a cliffhanger where there is another game, or Jigsaw is alive, or it was all a dream. Yeah. Thats going to be it. And I can’t believe it!

But alas, Saw will only be king of the weekend for one week as Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno is going to own hard the following weekend. We will have full reviews on that the night after it comes out. AND Something special for you……………an interview with Kevin Smith!

Fuck. I’m sorry. I was fibbing you. We don’t have that kind of pull yet. I mean, come on. Kevin Smith has better things to do than have us blow him and answer our questions all day. There won’t be an interview but there will be……….

DUELING REVIEWS! This is where me and Jeromy both see a film together and don’t speak at all on the car ride home and then review it. Man. That car ride is going to be awkward.

How awkward you ask? Like when Jesus first came back from the dead and went to that party and Pontius Pilate was there, awkward. Thats how awkward it’s going to be.

And its all for you guys. Feel special. I know I do.

Garbage Day Beetches!

Ahh yes, it is Garbage Day once again.

Todays film is the hunk of shit known only as, Population 436

This masterpiece was released in the year 2006 and not only does it suck, but it sucks big elephant dick. This film stars Jeremy Sisto. He was in Waitress, Now You Know, and Angel Eyes, but you probably know him from his role as Jesus in the made for tv movie, brilliantly named, Jesus.

Old Jeremy visits a town where the population is low, close to 437, but not that many! That’s too high, I reckon! Well there is a deep dark secret haunting this town that no one wants you to find out. Not nobody. Not no how. Certainly not Deputy Bobby Caine! Who is played by, you guessed it! FRED DURST.

Now let me tell you. FRED DURST is in this film. FRED Motherfuckin DURST. The guy from Limp Bizkit. While he portrays a believable enough hillbilly cop, it is still FRED DURST. So this is why we haven’t had any new Limp Bizkit, huh FRED DURST? I was waiting all film for him to look Sisto in the eyes and scream, “It’s My WAY! MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!” And Wes Borland to show up with his guitar and weird face paint. Oh man, remember when they covered “Faith” by George Michael? Remember when they were relevant, back in the 90’s man? Oh shit, they aren’t anymore? Man. Thats a bummer.

Anyway back to the film. It sucks. They give people lobotomies and call it a fever. Jeremy Sisto dies in the end. Its not good. Not good at all.  Here’s the trailer. Don’t ever watch it.

I’m in love with Anne Hathaway

As you all know and have seen, I recently posted a video of Anne Hathaway’s knockers. Not because I wanted to make her uncomfortable when she visits the site, but because I am in love with her. I wanted to share with the world her lovely lady lumps, just in case someone out there hasn’t seen them yet.

Apparently this weekend she hosted Saturday Night Live. I missed it. I’m sorry my love. I had to go out and get shitfaced.

So, because you missed it too, here is a pretty funny clip of my Anne playing Mary Poppins.

Just don’t mind the terrible advertisement before hand. If its the David Alan Grier show ad, cover your eyes and ears and make sure to sing Butterfly by Crazytown.

So without further adieu,

Just remember when it becomes popular at work, you saw it right here! At Moviepooter.com!

Moviepooter.com It runs on children!

WEEKEND PREVIEW! October 3, 2008

To start off you can just scroll to the bottom and totally peep the girl from The Princess Diary, but I know you really just want to read what is in theaters this weekend.

An American Carol

OMG! Its Chris Farley in a final movie! Wait… You’re telling me its his brother and he isn’t playing Chris Farley or falling into a table? Not interested.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

A movie about a fucking dog. Not named Lassie? Not interested.

Flash of Genius

Greg Kinnear. Hes taking it to the man and showing the automobile industry that he can wear glasses and be that guy who is down on his luck but in the end he comes out and shows us that he is playing the same role in every film he appears in. If you want to see this film, I advise you go see The Matador, Godsend, Little Miss Sunshine, Feast of Love, Nurse Betty, Baby Mama, You’ve Got Mail, or As Good As It Gets.

Blindness

This film doesn’t look that good, personally, but Mark Ruffalo is in it. Now forget 13 Going on 30. Fuck that movie. Go out and buy Zodiac. Ruffalo shits gold in that film. Forget Just Like Heaven. That film is a huge piece of shit. Go out and buy In the Cut. Not only in that film do you see Meg Ryans tits and bush, but you see some quality Ruffalo dick. Write it down. In. The. Cut.

So back to Blindness. Doesn’t look good, but Ruffalo has been acting his balls off lately so go see it just for him. If I weren’t a dude I would throw down some Ruffalo man gravy in a heart beat.

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

I guarantee that this film will win the weekend box office because every dude will take his girlfriend and it’s a sweet movie that works for both young men and women, and at the end of the night, if you can roll that jimmy cap on right, you just might get to feel the inside of a vagina!

But the film I really want to see, to tie everything together, is Rachel Getting Married starring Tits McGee herself, Anne “I-can’t-stop-whipping-my-tits-out” Hathaway. And I’m not complaining, BELIEVE YOU ME! When I first watched Brokeback I said to myself, “Why would Gyllenhall want to bone Ledger (I would too) and not Hathaway? Those titties are luscious! MMMMMM-MMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ok, I didn’t really say that. I was too busy rewinding and jackin it, but Apples and Oranges, right?

So go see that, Rachel Titting Married, and maybe you’ll see some tits, because we all know your girlfriend didn’t put out after seeing Nick and Norah.