Garbage Day!

So once a week, I would like to have Garbage day where one of us, or maybe both of us, will pick a film that is complete garbage, and review it.

So remember back in the day when Freddie Prinze Jr did like all these totally awesome movies and every chick totally wanted to slob on his knob? I’m talking pre-Scooby Doo Prinze Jr. Like the way he was in I Know What You Did Last Summer and She’s All That. Geez, I’m getting hard just thinking about him. Anyway…..

He did this film, maybe you have seen it, it’s entitled Down to You with Julia Stiles. This movie is made very shittily (yes, I made that word up just for Garbage Day)

Its about these two kids who fall in love. But when they reach college, things start to fall apart. Julia Stiles turns into this uber-Bitch and gets all uppity about Freddie not being a party goer. Cut the guy a break! Just cause he doesn’t want to go out and do drugs and fuck all sorts of starnge poon doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you! He does! He really does! He would just much rather stay home and bone the shit out of you; he isn’t like all the other guys. He is special! You’re such a bitch! I can’t believe you would do that to me!                            Umm, yeah. Sorry. Started having flashbacks.

So she cheats on him with Ashton Kutcher, who is playing some weird Jim Morrison character. And he breaks up with her, but then realizes that she is the only one for him. He tells us this, because throughout the movie they are constantly breaking the fourth wall and talking to you, the audience. I like to sometimes think that he is only talking to me. This movie was made only for me….

So he tries to kill himself. It was a dark hour for Jr. He finds an old bottle of her shampoo and drinks it. Why would he try to kill himself that way? I have no idea. Yeah not your smartest move Freddie Prinze Jr.

But he survives! I know, I know. You were sweating it out and all worried, but no matter now. So typical teen movie, they end up getting back together. And that bitch wrote some book about him and it’s called Down to You, just like the title of the movie. They get back together and everything is fine.

At the end of the film, you almost want Freddie Prinze to drop her ass and go out and fuck Rosario Dawson, who is also in the film. While only making a brief appearance, she manages to stick her finger in some guys ass. True Story.

But, alas, Freddie is a stand up guy and they end up together. Because after everything, they realized that they were meant to be together. (Hold on. Hold on. I can’t see because I’m tearing up. Eyes are all watery. Like a waterfall. Hold. Hold. Hold on. Ok. I’m fine now.) They realize that it came down to one person for them. It came Down to You.

Epilogue

Ok, so I really like this movie. I admitted it. Everytime it comes on I can’t turn it off. I’m surpirsed I don’t own it yet. It is solid. Ok? It’s a solid piece of work. Freddie Prinze Jr is just so god-damn cute.

Preview of the Weekend (a day early bitches!)

Finally the box office gives us some decent shit to glue our eyeballs to. This weekend marks the return of good films to the screen. Lets get started!

Eagle Eye (Cherry)

(Remember that band? Yeah man those were the days)

Shia is back bitches! LaBeouf returns with a new thriller, Eagle Eye, where he gets these phone calls from a mysterious woman who tells him to do things and tells him things before they happen and the government thinks he is a terrorist and he grew out a mustache so he looks older and more sophisticated and its got Slingblade in it and Rosario Dawson.

What I would have done to make this film better: Make the setting one location. Not a whole punch of different ones, just one place the entire film. And I would have cast Colin Farrell and Keifer Sutherland and called it Phonebooth.

Choke

I know what you’re thinking, but it isn’t a porn. I’m gonna get all serious now cause I actually want to see this film. It stars Sam Rockwell who is very underrated. He blew my mind with his talents in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. He plays a man who can’t afford to keep his mother in a retirement home so he pretends like he is choking (Hey that’s where the title comes from!) in restaurants, only to have someone save him and then send him birthday, Christmas, and choking anniversary cards, with moneys inside.

He also is a sex addict. He goes to meetings to get help, but only then has sex with the women at the meetings. I have read the book and it is a tearjerker. From start to finish I was enthralled in the humanistic quality of a man who gets two anal balls stuck in his ass for weeks only too get sick and eventually shit them out in his pants. I’ll have my full review on this film hopefully by Sunday.

Miracle at St. Anna

I will never ever see this film. Never. Ever. Spike Lee has been calling his movies “A Spike Lee joint” for too long now. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he think he is better than everyone else. Remember when this dude sued Spike TV for rights to the name? Who does that? And everyone who sees these films is just adding to his ego.

A note to Spike Lee: Just say “a film by Spike Lee”. I would even take “Spike Lee presents”. But calling your film a “joint” is ridonkulous. If you are going to continue to call your films a “joint” Spike Lee, you will continue to not have my business. So There.

Nights in Rodanthe

Richard Gere (OLD) + Diane Lane (OLD) x a North Carolina Inn = OLD PEOPLE SEX.

So, to paraphrase, COUNT ME IN.

So this weekend doesn’t look too bad. With Choke and Spread Eagle Eye, it looks like a promising weekend for the box office.

My predicted winner: Fireproof a romantic drama starring Mike Seaver Kirk Cameron as a firefighter trying to save his marriage. From Growing Pains to Career Pains, and still not dead. Good for you Mike Seaver Kirk Cameron. Good for you.

Weekend Preview Of Horrible Fucking Movies

Horrible.  Once again The Box Office is giving us a bunch of shit to go see.  So don’t go see anything this weekend.  But for giggles and shit stains let us see what is coming out this week

Lake view Terrace

Another Sam Jackson movie where he is very loud and annoying.  Hang it up Cochise.  Or at least expand your acting ability.  I swear to god if I have to suffer through another “Mother Fucka” from this hack I’m gonna stop jagging to pics of Jon Benet and cut my cockles off.  In this fucktard of a movie,  Sam and some unknown white guy hoping for his big break are neighbors in a culdesac.  White guy moves in and befriends Sam.  Eventually Sam does the normal creepy and annoying neighbor stuff and shit goes down.  They fight and Sam Jackson dies.  Two thumbs up….your mother’s rotten cunt.

Appaloosa

I love Vigo Mortensen and Ed Harris.  They kicked ass in A History of Violence. When I heard these two were starring in a western, I was like I’m all in .  Then I saw the trailer.  This does not look good.  It could be reaaaaaaallllllllyyy bad.  Like The Phantom bad.  But it could surprise me, but I doubt it.  Nope

My Bestfriend’s Girl

This actually looks decent.  Despite having a horrible leading man in Dane ”I used to be funny but now I just repeat the same old bits just so I can get a cheap pop from the crowd.  And in turn I look like a god” Cook, the rest of the cast is solid.  I love Kate Hudson, just as long as she’s not teamed up with Matthew McRidiculousthisguystillgetswork.  Jason Biggs is straight out of the Al Brooks mold. He’s uncomfortable but yet very funny.  The R-rated trailer makes this film look fucking amazing.  Go see it, or not, I could careless.

Well that’s all I feel like doing

fuck off

Weekend Preview!!!!!

The box office is weak sauce this time of year. Prime example this weekend

Righteous Kill

Robert DeNiro. Al Pacino. Two of the greatest actors of all time.  In this film, they play cops going after a serial killer.  Now if this was made 20 years ago it would’ve been awesome. These two hacks need to give it up. Pacino hasn’t put out a good performance since Sea Of Love.  It was in that movie Al turned into a yelling, over the top cunt rag.  It worsened as the years went by.  If you notice he wears the same quarter lenght leather jacket in every movie.  What happened to Michael Corleone?  He was so soft spoken and smooth and commanded your attention without having to yell.  I recently watched Devil’s Advocate….love it…but he sucked. He yelled for no reason. He sucks so much. It pisses me off.  Bobby DeNiro is fat and a mockery of himself. He has become every awful imitation that people do of him. He’s just like Walken.  Back to this stupid movie.  I was listening to The Opie and Anthony show today and Jim Norton attended the premiere. He said there was no ovation at the end.  That should say something.  Its fucking awesome….no its horrible. Al Pacino dies at the end

Burn After Reading

Perhaps the only good film coming out for awhile.  The Coen Brothers return with their first release after No Country for Old Men.  It kind of looks like in the mold of Fargo, which is a classic of course.  Im not even sure if the plot is neccassary for it.  The cast is kickass so it could be a shit plot and Id go see it.  But for review sake Ill give it to you.  Some CIA dude (John Malkovich) loses some top secret files and two gym employees find them (Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand) and chaos insues.  Im sure the Coen’s have some sick twist and turns and someone gets thrown into a woodchipper. Go see this flick

Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys

Now I dont hate black people, but I dont get Tyler Perry.  He’s not funny.  His movies are not funny.  Im white so its understood that I dont appreciate black humor, but even Rodney King wouldn’t laugh at this shit. Every week Perry puts out a new movie.  Who finances this garbage? The NAACP? Or is it Night at the Apollo?  If you see this you might as well hang yourself

Towelhead

This movie is causing a lot of controversy. And people are upset that it is causing controversy…uhh..its a movie called Towelhead..Im even a little pissed and I dont like anybody. All I know is that Aaron Eckhart is in it so im all in

Well thats it.  You could go see one of these movies or you could go see The Dark Knight again…do that instead

Jaws is the coolest movie ever

So I’m watching Jaws the other day on my new 37 inch LCD tv and it still holds up after 33 years. It doesn’t look dated at all.  Fucking Robert Shaw as Quint is one of the best characters in movie history.  Roy Scheider as Sheriff Brody is a great leading man and not once do you doubt his hate for this fucking shark. Dick Dreyfuss just owns the screen as Matt Hooper.  Even the dude playing the mayor is amazing!.  From the opening scene of some unknown bitch drowning you’re drawn in.  The whole movie is one giant orgasm.  Starts off a little slow but it feels good.  Its starts building and you think youre at full climax when they catch the tiger shark, but no sir the shark were looking for is a great white.  So we start over.  It builds again as Quint, Brody, and Hooper go out to sea to hunt the beast. Your shaking because its getting close when Hooper supposedly gets eating by the shark.  Quint gets eaten whole and you just cant take anymore.  Brody sets up on the sinking ship.  Takes his aim. And boom! The shark is dead and you just blew a load all over your boyfriends face.  And as he’s cleaning up your man juice from his disgraced face Matt Hooper appears and all is well. Man I fucking love Jaws

Ghostbusters 3

Bangkok D

Ok.

First off, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t go see this film. Second, I’m sorry that no one I know went to see this film. I asked Anthony from work what he thought of it on Monday afternoon hoping that he saw it over the weekend.

“No bro. I didn’t see it.”

So I was just going to leave that as the review. And that would be it. But thats just not good enough for our readers. SO! I now am going to tell you how it ends. For real now. This is the ending:

Its Dark. Really dark. And Nic Cage, sporting Tom Hanks’ hairpiece from Da Vinci Code, is in a car. The cops are waiting for him at the end of the driveway. He puts it in reverse. I think there is another guy in the car with him but it is too hard to tell. Now it goes into slow-mo and here is where it gets Wicked Awesome! Nic Cage pulls out a gun, and you think whats he going to do? Kill the cops? Kill the guy in the car with him? Kill his career by doing a shitty film? No. Thats not what happens.

He kills himself. He puts the gun up to his head and in slow-mo, which makes it Wicked Awesome, he pulls the trigger. You see a flash and Nic Cage is dead.

THE END!

Post Dark Knight Era Part Duex

G. I. Joe

Now this was a cartoon that I hated growing up. I could sit here and call it G. I. Blow or even make it as if the movie was speaking itself and call it, Gee, I Blow. But I won’t. I’m going to be much more mature about this and from here on out call it Pee I Blow. Do you see what I did there?

I can’t see there being many, if any, redeeming qualities in this movie. I don’t even know the character’s names. I guess there is one named Joe and I guess he fights that dude who wears a handkerchief with eye holes over his face. I hope Pee I himself knows how to do magic and make an audience appear in the seats.

Wolfman

I loved the original Wolfman. With Lon Chaney Jr. I even loved the Wolfman’s acting in Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. (Very Wolfman-ish) So when I heard that this film was being made I was super-duper excited. Benicio Del Toro. Great casting. Then I saw the trailer. Wow. This looks fucking amazing-

-ly shitty. The promotional pics are even worse. Looks like some dude in a costume from Halloween Adventure. (That’s Halloween Adventure! Clements Bridge Road, Deptford, NJ 856-848-2935. Store hours are Monday through Saturday 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. and Sunday 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.!) They should have just had Benicio not shave.

Spiderman 4 and 5

Two times the films. Two times the excitement. Two times the bullshit. Raimi and Tobey are both signed on again. And if these turn out to be anything like Spiderman 3 was, I think Stan Lee should burn Sony Studios to the ground. Watch 3 again if you don’t believe me. When Parker is “groovin’” down the street to buy a new outfit, whoever wrote that bit should be crucified. The only good thing about that movie was when they finally let James Franco stop acting like a robot and have a few good lines. Anyway, these are being shot back to back to make it look like 35 year old Tobey can still play 21 year old Parker. I hope Sandman comes back so we can all partake in more terrible facial expressions from Thomas Hayden Church. Is it just me or does he always look like he’s passing a kidney stone?

So that’s Part two. Coming up is Part 3 and we’ll be talking about Ghostbusters 3, Toy Story 3, Dune 3, Clerks 3, National Treasure 3, Rocky Horror Picture Show 3, and finally Titanic 3: Billy Zane’s Revenge.

Tomorrow I will have my review up of Bangkok Dangerous. Not that anyone cares.

The Post Dark Knight Era

So The Dark Knight was released and it was a smash hit to say the least. A years worth of viral marketing is finished. The hours of scanning messageboards hoping to get a new leaked pic of Heath Ledger as The Joker is over. No more of watching the trailers over and over again. Now we just have the movie, which dont get me wrong is what this whole thing has been building up to, but somehow i feel a void in my life now. What do I have to look forward to? What does the world have to look forward to? Nothing thats what. We’ve got about three years until Batman 3 comes out, so lets take a look at what we got until then.

Watchmen

Everyone and their mother is looking forward to this movie. I dont get it. When i went to see TDK, a teaser for this clusterfuck was shown. Everyone in the theater was practically moaning over it. Can someone explain to me how this looks good. Why is Russell from Stillwater dressed like Darkman? What is the Silver Surfer doing in this movie? Didnt he already fail as a movie character? Everyone tells me that you have to read the comics and then youll understand how epic this movie is…how bout no. How bout I”ve never read an Xmen comic in my life and those movies drew me in right away. Its a weak concept and will not translate well onto the big screen..now in a year I’ll probably consider this the best movie ever.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the who gives a shit

The first one was good. There I said it. Shia was funny and made the movie worth watching. There is no way this is gonna be good.

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince

This is my favorite Harry Potter book, yea I read those books. I will defend Harry Potter to the death! Amazing books, and the movies are just as good. HBP has the best story out of all the novels. It goes deep into the Tom Riddle backround which is pretty badass. Its ashame that Warner Bros pushed this back to next year because well it just sucks. Gonna be a good one.

Terminator:Salvation

Christian Bale. Robots. Guns. All in.

And now for someting very close to my heart…..

Superman Reboot

In 2006, Superman Returns was released and it was a failure. That really hurts me to say because I love that movie and Superman in general. Hell, I even got the Returns logo tattooed on my arm…regret much? Because of the bomb, Warner Bros decided that the Superman franchise will go through a reboot with the focus being on a darker side of Kal-El. Im totally for this as long as Brandon Routh is considered for the role. He was incredible as Supes and hes young enough to work in a reboot. I hope they focus a little more on the the death of Krypton. I think it could really cool to actually see Krypton and not just Marlon Brando in a shitty wig yelling in a warehouse. The focus should be on the journey of him becoming Superman. He shouldnt just be Superman. They should just make Batman Begins but with powers. And for the love of god please get another Lois Lane. I didnt mind Bosworth, but Lane is a strong character and Bosworth is not a strong actress. Bryan Singer needs to go. He sucks cock. Bring in someone fresh someone like Jon Faverou..a fan..how bout Nic Cage…I”m sorry. Lets just hope it doesnt have to compete with Batman 3.

Well thats it. Its not as bad as it could be….just remember its only three years until Batman 3.

Preview for the Weekend.

Well, I’m not going to beat around the bush. There is a big pile of horse shit opening this weekend. Leading the charge is Bangkok Dangerous which, lets be honest here, is not a real movie. Any film that is not submitted to critics to be watched for a review means that even the studio thinks its a piece of shit.

Thats what this film did. No critics were allowed to see it before hand. Hardly any marketing. Nic Cage in a terrible hair piece again. I would rather watch Meet Dave while stabbing my eyes out with a rusty metal dildo.

Besides Bangkok, I have never even heard of any of the other films. There is a film that seems remotely interesting entitled, Ping Pong Playa which Yahoo Movies summarizes as “A trash-talkin’ suburban slacker discovers his true gift as a ping pong player to defend his family’s honor at a local tournament.”  

ALSO, he’s Asian. Looks like a winner.

Theres also this hunk of junk called A Secret where some kid finds out that his family did something in Germany during the Holocaust BLAH BLAH BLAH. You know what should have stayed A Secret? I’ll let you fill in the blank.

Everybody Wants to Be Italian also opens this weekend. My answer to that: No. No we don’t.

Finally there is Mister Foe. Which sounds pretty B.A. This kid totally wants to bang his step mom. Until he thinks, get ready for it, SHE KILLED HIS MOTHER! So right when shes about to let him slide it in, he leaves. And then finds some girl who looks just like his mom and gets obsessed with her. My prediction: He’ll probably get ready to put it in her too but then realize he loves the cock.

So there you have it. Its a real Shitfest this weekend. Hopefully on Monday I will have a review of Bangkok Dangerous. Anthony from work will be going to see it and I’ll ask him how shitty it was. Then I’ll post what he had to say.

I’ll leave you with this. Someone asked me who was in Bangkok Dangerous when I had asked Anthony if he was going to see it, and I said Nic Cage. Their response? “Oh. That movie looks so fuckin’ gay.”